Isn't it strange, how much you can change, in a year, or a minute or more?
It was around this time last year that things started to change. The last term in halls, every moment was the last this or the last that. Feeling trapped in a group of friends with whom I didn't get on with was difficult and split loyalities meant that although I know who I'd rather be spending time with, the guilt involved and courage required in taking that option was overwhelming.
By way of passive invitation, it came to my notice that there was to be a reunion for the inhabitants of our hall last year. As usual, I felt a twinge of regret because I knew I wouldn't be attending. The only people I've really kept in touch with from halls are my current/future housemates and since they never wished to be involved in the wider side of the hall community, once we left last summer, there was unlikely that any of them had any desire to see those familiar faces again. So, after so carefully creating a situation whereby I could nod, smile or greet anyone of a hundred or so people if I were to meet them on campus, I had someone dug myself into a hole, backing away from it all in favour of hoping to find something less transient, more concrete, people I could rely on.
It appears I chose the wrong ones.
After receiving three separate messages enquiring if I were to show my face at the reunion, would you like me to get you a ticket? I decided to bite the bullet, take a chance and say yes! count me in! despite the fact that I didn't have anyone specific to go with and I knew none of my housemates would be going. No worries, there is someone I could ask, after all, they texted me asking if I wanted a ticket in the first place, surely they wouldn't mind me tagging along? Full of anticipation, I responded and asked about the specific details.
A week later, it is the reunion tonight. I don't have anything nice to wear, I don't have anyone to go with, and after receiving a less than enthusiastic message about getting back to me on the wheres and whens of it, I don't feel like I really want to go anymore. Having checked out the guest list, I know, it will be filled with people who are focussed on their own friendships and all the while I'll be on the sidelines, as I always was content to be. Plenty of people to talk to, but no friends to call my own.
On the jukebox: Coldplay ~ In My Place
By way of passive invitation, it came to my notice that there was to be a reunion for the inhabitants of our hall last year. As usual, I felt a twinge of regret because I knew I wouldn't be attending. The only people I've really kept in touch with from halls are my current/future housemates and since they never wished to be involved in the wider side of the hall community, once we left last summer, there was unlikely that any of them had any desire to see those familiar faces again. So, after so carefully creating a situation whereby I could nod, smile or greet anyone of a hundred or so people if I were to meet them on campus, I had someone dug myself into a hole, backing away from it all in favour of hoping to find something less transient, more concrete, people I could rely on.
It appears I chose the wrong ones.
After receiving three separate messages enquiring if I were to show my face at the reunion, would you like me to get you a ticket? I decided to bite the bullet, take a chance and say yes! count me in! despite the fact that I didn't have anyone specific to go with and I knew none of my housemates would be going. No worries, there is someone I could ask, after all, they texted me asking if I wanted a ticket in the first place, surely they wouldn't mind me tagging along? Full of anticipation, I responded and asked about the specific details.
A week later, it is the reunion tonight. I don't have anything nice to wear, I don't have anyone to go with, and after receiving a less than enthusiastic message about getting back to me on the wheres and whens of it, I don't feel like I really want to go anymore. Having checked out the guest list, I know, it will be filled with people who are focussed on their own friendships and all the while I'll be on the sidelines, as I always was content to be. Plenty of people to talk to, but no friends to call my own.
On the jukebox: Coldplay ~ In My Place
You have my sympathies, situations like that can suck so much.
ReplyDeleteThat said, swan in show them you're amazing and you'll be ok ;o)
Ok, so not so helpful but I was going for more of a smile or raised eyebrow than helpfulness. :oD
Hope it goes well tonight, really do xxx
Indeed, good luck!
ReplyDeleteIf they've any manners they'll include you and talk to you if they see you by yourself. If they've no manners then it's an evening to get through but no big loss in the long run.
:-)
I choose not to go.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to care when no-one who would even notice or mind if I was there or not.