Tiger Eye

Today, I have seen in the new year.

In me, past, present, future meet
To hold long chiding conference.
My lusts usurp the present tense
And strangle Reason in his seat.
My loves leap through the future’s fence
To dance with dream-enfranchised feet.

In me the cave-man clasps the seer,
And garlanded Apollo goes
Chanting to Abraham’s deaf ear.
In me the tiger sniffs the rose.
Look in my heart, kind friends, and tremble,
Since there your elements assemble.

Siegfried Sassoon

Happy Valentine's Day!

I love you guys.

On the jukebox: Boy Least Likely To ~ Hugging My Grudge

Burning Desire

Today, I have danced with flames.

Who started the fire? Who knows. At first it was just playing around with a couple of matches, a couple of embers, a few sparks here and there. They'd die down as quickly as they appear, but it's always fun while it lasted. It was a game, see who could hold out the longest before hurriedly blowing out the flame before things got too heated.

It's always been just a bit of fun, a way to brighten up the day, nothing too serious, it's not as if we're really doing much at all. The thrill of the burn, the excitement of the dancing fire. Testing, testing, see how it goes. Unpredictable. Sometimes, you get hurt. Sometimes, you get burned. But it's so worth it. Because somewhere in there still, you know you can make the fire again. You know it may not last long, but it still does work, sometimes. Sometimes you burn out all the matches, wasted away and your thirst for the fire is left unfufilled. It makes you sad, it makes you angry, but there's nothing you can do, except hope it works better next time.

But don't you sometimes wish it could be more than the casual flipping of matches, more than the odd spark which sets your heart alight. Sure, creating the fire purely to put it out is fun. But it's also fun to watch it burn. Allowing it to become wholly consuming, letting it greedily swallow up everything in sight. Observe as it grows, from such a tiny speck of light in your life, to a strong, roaring, powerful flame. Let it progress from something you control, to something that you have no order over. Sure, it's as scary as hell - what if you need to stop the fire? You need to be able to control it. You need to be in control, otherwise, who knows what could happen?!

On the jukebox: Johnny Cash ~ Ring of Fire

Cookie Crumbs

Today, I have no cake.

Oh, I hate turning down options. It's just like, well, if I didn't have the option, it would be rubbish, yes, but then at least I'd say to myself, well, if I had the option, I'd take it, it's just that I don't have the option. But then I get handed the option on a plate, ticking all the right boxes and hardly any of the wrong ones. And it's like, so where's your problem? TAKE THE CAKE, it's yours for keeps. But suddenly, it's like, but I dunno, I don't think I really want this. But why? I don't know, it just doesn't smell quite right, I'm sure there's something missing. But what? It's cake, and it's hot and it's fresh and ready to fill your tummy with sugar and spice and all things nice. And I'm like, but really, will eating that cake actually make me feel good, or will it satisfy the hunger for a bit but then I'll wish I had some flapjack instead? GEEZ, IT'S JUST A SLICE OF CAKE. It wouldn't kill you to try it, and if you don't like it, leave it, at least you'll have had a taste. And so you deliberate for a bit longer, really make 'em wait before deciding that no, I really don't want cake, thank you. So it's like, fine, someone else can have the cake, I'm sure that they'll appreciate it. And I'm like, cool, it's better to eat something you really want to eat rather than waste energy on something you don't. And wouldn't it be selfish to have cake for the sake of it when someone else might actually really, really want that particular cake...?

You'd better hope you find some flapjack, then.

On the jukebox: Micheal Bublé ~ Haven't Met You Yet

Poles Apart

Today, I have been shades of grey.

Nothing is ever black and white, however much one might like it to be. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all knew where we stood with everyone and everything at any one time? No mystery, no secrets, just a series of ships sailing on open waters. Nothing to hide.

No, thanks.

I like ambiguity; I like the indefinite. If you ask me for black or white, if you force me to choose one face of the coin, I'll reluctantly sit on the safe side of the fence, and avert my eyes from the possibility that the grass might be greener in the other field. I'll set stringent rules, then proceed to break them, willingly. So you're never quite sure where you stand with me.

So I'll choose the safe option. But that doesn't stop me dipping my feet in the puddle of risk every so often. I'll say infra-red, but that doesn't mean I don't want the ultra-violet light, it's just I haven't got the energy to make that transition yet. Plus there's a plethora of wavelengths in between the two that can be fun, too. I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like.

I like playing with fire, I like dancing over hot coals, I like spinning the roulette wheel and seeing where it lands: red or black; odd or even? Yes, I could lose out. But I could win big bucks. And without a few flames roaring here and there, how would we ever keep warm? I enjoy the thrill of the chase, the swoop of the rollercoaster, the swings and the roundabouts. I don't like a steady path, it makes me think that something will jump out of the corner at any time. Things aren't meant to be straightforward, are they? You expect some twists and turns in the labyrinth of life.

As you may have inferred, I am awfully confused. Terribly complicated and probably not making much sense. I need a cup of tea or a slap 'round the head or both. I need some sleep, is what I need. And less worry and less guilt and less thinking and more letting go, riding with the flow, taking the rough with the smooth even if its unexpected bumps and not ones I've deliberately planted there myself. Because you know, maybe I'll be able to figure it out as I go along rather than needing an elaborate prior plan and you know, maybe it could be worth it.

Good things come to those who wait

On the jukebox: Garbage ~ Temptation Waits - I like to keep you guessing