Little Writer

Today, I have written.

"Writing while young will help improve memory. The process helps you remember feelings and experiences you have forgotten and makes you more expressive. Writing will force you to come up with the right words to describe thoughts and emotions and as a result, you become more proficient in expressing yourself."

I suppose this summarises why I like to write. It's not really for readers, but without the mere idea (even if misguided) that someone is listening, there's not much point in attempting to express yourself in a way that captures the attention of another person. Mainly, I just want to remember the good stuff. There are a lot of fun moments in my life at the moment. I am young, I run free, and I have so many friends and things to do that it is hard to keep track of them sometimes. I am also sad a lot of the time, but I am trying really hard not to let that get to me. I am trying so hard not to let it show. 

So, the month of May has been a busy one. It's partly why I wanted to keep up with blogging every day. I haven't, of course, but that's okay. I have booked flights to Dublin and America. I want to go to Belgium and Amsterdam too, because I can and to travel whilst you're young is the time to do it. I'd much rather spend my money on experiences than objects. 

This weekend, I had an indoor "BBQ" and played board games with a group of friends. Some old, some new and some I'm just getting to know. It was quiet and sort of subdued but I think that's fine, sometimes. I'm a little lost, but it kind of seems that many people are in their twenties. I just have to keep doing, keep going, keep saying yes and hope that at some point it will all come together.

Blogging causes me to be awfully reflective and sometimes that's helpful and sometimes, I think I think too much, y'know. 

Flitterbox: Clean Bandit ~ Rather Be

Many Thanks

Today, I have felt appreciated. 

Thank you notes are just the best. Even when someone emails back just to say thanks for doing something that is part of your job, it's a small boost. Especially in times of increasing written contact, you can't hear the gratitude in their voice or see it in their face. You have to rely on someone literally spelling out their thanks.

It's nice to do nice things. It's lovely when someone takes the time to express how grateful they are for what you've done. It makes you want to do more nice things for people. 

Flitterbox: Spice Girls ~ Stop

Yawny Owl

Today, I have unpacked.

I have just had the best big birthday weekend away, all expenses paid and food included. Plus a tonne load of fun activities including plenty of singing, climbing, sword-fighting, clue-hunting, arrow-shooting, disco-dancing and dropping down from high heights. The weather was wonderful and the children were lovely. 

There's no other way I would have wanted to spend my first weekend as an over-25-year-old than swinging on a giant swing over-25 feet in the air. 

So much fun. So super tired. 

Flitterbox: DJ Casper ~ Cha Cha Slide

Brownie Birthday

Today, I have packed. 

It will be time for me to catch the coach in a couple of hours, to spend an activity weekend with 600+ children under 10. It's not something I've done before, and a year ago I would not have had this opportunity. I couldn't have imagined that my first weekend away as a twenty-six-year-old would be with a bunch of Brownies and Owls. 

It should be fun. 

Flitterbox: Owl City ~ When Can I See You Again?

London Calling

Today, I have been to a friend's leaving drinks.

I took the plunge and took the train, after work, to a city I don't live in, to have drinks with a couple of people I know and a bunch of others I've not met before. London feels like a lonely place to live in. So many people, but none of them dare catch your eye. I am used to saying hi to people as we cross by; they don't do that in London. I don't think I would want to live there.

My friend is off to work in a city in Europe. I hope that will mean another weekend away, with free accommodation included! It is a bit sad to have so many friends spread all over the world, but it is quite fun to get take trips to visit them.

Flitterbox: Crystal Fighters ~ I Love London

Irish Adventures

Today, I have booked a holiday. 

I'm going at the end of this month. Not sure that I have ever booked something so 'last minute' before. The vague dates have been down in the diary for a while, but it is only tonight that the concrete bookings have been put into place and the money paid up. With over a fortnight to go, it's not all that whirlwind an idea, still time to plan and pack but for me, this feels like the edge of spontaneity. 

If anyone has any tips for a short break in Dublin, let me know!

Flitterbox: The Corrs ~ So Young

Pretty Eyes

Today, I haven't worn any make-up. 

Last month, I had an allergic reaction to something. It could have been make-up, it could have been an animal, it could have been anything, to be honest. Something made my eyes go red and puffy and itchy and gross. Generally, my skin is quite sensitive; I have had reactions to eye make-up before but that was probably due to keeping it for too long and leaving it exposed to the elements. But I'd not experienced a reaction to of quite that extent previously. It was horrible, and scary. Your eyes are precious parts.

Since then, I haven't worn much make-up. I used to wear eyeliner every day, yes, even just to go for a walk. You never know who you might meet! I don't doubt that people are 'naturally beautiful' without the need for make-up. It's a lovely idea and partially true; most don't need much. But make-up is powerful, it is enhancing and used appropriately, can make an ordinary face look pretty and a pretty face look stunning. 

Make-up works, yo. But I have worn less and I have worn it less often. Not that I wore much to begin with. It does seem strange to me, not slicking on the kohl as standard and people definitely notice. I imagine most are polite enough not to mention, kids don't have those social boundaries:

"You look different. What's different?"

"You look strange without glasses." 

[I have never worn glasses, but it was obvious my face had changed in a way that they couldn't pinpoint]

I look better with eye make-up. I feel better wearing eye make-up. While my eyes have since healed, I haven't yet replaced my eyeliner collection, which is probably necessarily before I start pencilling in my lids again. So for now, I am mostly without eye make-up. Weird. 

Flitterbox: Ultrabeat ~ Pretty Green Eyes
Flitterbook: Life! Death! Prizes! ~ Stephen May

Birthday Baby

Today, I have turned twenty-six. 

The day began with a special birthday breakfast. Avocado and egg on seed-studded toast. Sounds slightly strange, tastes amazing:

It is the first day I have ever worked on my birthday, but I don't mind; my work is less stressful than many. Work beats revision by a factor of approximately a thousand. Plus, I have already part celebrated this weekend: a comedy show and drinks with friends; a meal with family; a walk in the fields and a video chat with my fave dad-daughter pair. 

I am not one to go all out on my birthday, but I do always tend to post a blog about it. It's cool to have that marker in time to look back on, you can find all on the right hand side, from my second year and third year at university, through my masters disaster, onto job-searching, graduate employment, job disillusioment, bringing us up to now. Much has changed in my life in the past year, but there is also much that has remained the same. Birthdays are often a cause for reminiscence and reflection, I find. When we went to the comedy show, we were the only group of under-30s there, which was novel on a night out. It won't be that way for long. But I think that I'm okay with that.

I might make myself a carrot cake later to celebrate. I sure know how to party hard.

Flitterbox: Beyoncé ~ All The Single Ladies
Flitterbook: Avocado Baby ~ John Burningham 

Cram Bag

Today, I have bought a new bag. 

I am not a fashionable bag and shoes kind of a girl. I own one main handbag; it's purple with plaited shoulder straps and it is perfect for my general needs. I own a couple of smaller cross-body bags that are useful for going out or short outings when I want my hands-free and don't have much to carry. 

While I don't care much for new season clutches or holdalls, I am always interested to know what people have inside their bags, their rooms, their houses, their minds... I like the kind of entries that give an insight into personality that you may not otherwise see, although as remarked on  recent posts; I do not understand how some people's bags can be so tidy?

A few years back, I did the "what's in my bag" thing; and this is what it revealed:

And my bag, of now, three years later. I am a reformed, matured character and now, of course, I only carry the bare essentials:

Welcome to my life, via the medium of my bag. This is not necessarily what I cart around on a daily basis, but just a snapshot of today's load. To be honest, the contents surprised me somewhat, too, but there was no point in carrying out a clear-out before spilling it to the internet. To display this is to confess: I am mostly messy and not proud of it. I'm sure it tells personality beyond that, though. A responsible dog-owner; an obsessive nail-painter; someone who is serious about about oral hygiene and enjoys a decent cup of tea (or, I have travelled recently). Spot anything else that tells you more?

I am not a fashionable bag and shoes kind of girl. 

Flitterbox: Stereophonics ~ Handbags and Gladrags

Blog Hopping

Today, I have discovered a blog.

Do you ever find the idea of blogging a bit...weird? I recently stumbled upon the blog of a real-life friend and it's kind of strange because I'm not really sure whether to admit that I have seen it. It made me slightly sad, too, that I don't know much about her day-to-day life from actual contact, but on her blog it's there for all to see. And it's written in the way that you want people to read; rhetorical questions, addressing the webspace like a blog is a conversation, only it doesn't really matter to whom you're talking.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great to meet friends on the internet and I've had some great experiences as a result of net interactions. But sometimes I read back on what I've posted and I think how awkward it would be if I knew someone I knew was reading it. Embarrassing, if they continued to read backwards

Like, this isn't really me? I don't talk like this, I don't know why I write like this, I don't know why I'm writing at all. I kind of jumped on the BEDM bandwagon without true commitment to the cause for the very reason that I was feeling super self-conscious about writing anything and I hoped that an outside force encouraging me to publish something every day would make me worry less about what was written as I had a daily deadline. I still use an awful lot of I's in my sentences.

It's not that surprising that a close friend writes a blog. To be honest, there's not even anything in it that is particularly surprising information to me; I know the major stuff that's going on, I just don't have the frequent updates on the food she ate that weekend. It's not that the blog deliberately obscures personal details, either. Maybe having a blog is just like letting another side of you to the world. We all have different friends for different activities, and it's easier with a blog to share a side of you that work or school or university friends may not appreciate, or just to let thoughts out in a place where someone will see them, but you don't necessarily want to *discuss* them.

It feels like blogging has suddenly become cool, and it earns you money, and you can make a living from it and get popular and well known and awesome. As I said, that doesn't bother me, it's great and I'm not really bemoaning the de-nerding of blogging, but it does kind of feel like I should write because I have a point, a new dress or a healthy recipe rather than just write because I can.

I haven't read any book pages in a few days. Whoops.

Flitterbox: The Staves ~ Wisely and Slow

Funny Times

Today, I am going to see a comedy show. 

It's not so much a sign of my age as a sign of myself that I would rather go to a comedy show than a club night out. I would have done the same when I was turning eighteen, the main difference is that it is now more socially acceptable to do so.

Flitterbox: Abba ~ Dancing Queen 

American Boy

Today, I have smiled like I mean it.

On this day, 5 years ago, I met my first internet friend in the flesh, 3 and a half years to the day that we first made acquaintance through blogs. I told no-one. 

Today, 5 years later, the friend is married with a daughter, and a son on the way. How things change.

I hope that, one day, I will meet this baby boy and his older sister. I hope that I have the courage to do so, because there's never going to be the 'right' time to fly across the ocean by yourself to stay with a couple you've only met once before and children that you've only ever seen on Skype.

We shall see.

Flitterbox: The Killers ~ Andy You're A Star - bloody love this album
Flitterbook: Andrew's Brain ~ E.L. Doctorow

Hey Girl

Today, I have been blue.

When I'm feeling glum, anxious or angsty, I tend to revert to girly activities to soothe and settle my stressness. It's too late to paint my nails and my hair is not in the state for straightening. It's ill-advised to write too much when feeling this way. Since this is the internet I should probably post a picture of cats instead:

Flitterbox: The Boy Least Likely To ~ Papercuts
Flitterbook: Andrew's Brain ~ E.L. Doctorow

Dialling in

Today, I have instant access to the internet.

That's amazing. The book I'm reading at the moment set in the nineties, where you had to dial-in and whilst on the internet, the land-line wouldn't work. I'm kind of on the cusp; I remember having to wait until 6pm to use the internet on a weekday, but broadband was widespread by the time I properly could make use of it. Of course, these people in the book are lucky, they have two phone lines, so you can be constantly on the internet on one, and use the other for calls. So modern! It would seem crazy but kids today don't even have the knowledge of a landline, which is almost crazier, so it almost wouldn't matter that the dial-up tied up your phone line, because, hey you have your mobile phone, what else do you need?

My power went out recently. My mobile was very low on battery, as was my laptop, 'cause I like to live life on the edge. But I could still call people on my old style non-cordless land-line. What kind of sorcery is that? Afterwards I googled my way to the reason as I kind of knew it to be true but was baffled by the idea. Basically, you do need electricity but only a very little and it's brought to your house by wires separate to the mains. It's still strange, though.

It's weird how easy it is to think about things without questioning the concept. Adults get way too accustomed things too readily without truly appreciating the wonder. 

I hold the internet in my pocket, on a buttonless device that is smaller than my hand.

That's amazing.

Flitterbox: Philip Oakey and Giorgio Moroder - Together in Electric Dreams
Flitterbook: Going Out ~ Scarlett Thomas

Road Runner

Today, I have driven a car. 

I passed my test a while back, but driving is still scary and I don't currently have, nor really need, my own vehicle so I don't drive all that often, and even less often by myself.

Twist, slide, click, push, switch, pull, turn. 

It's weird, driving alone. So quiet! I mean, I know it's what most people do and so are completely used to doing so and once I'm out there it's fine and I won't hurt anybody (hopefully) and my jelly-like left leg will still work effectively as required. I suppose the aspect that concerns me more is being embarrassed rather than being dangerous. Being watched by people while I try to park properly, or stalling at a roundabout just as a rare golden gap in traffic appears. Awkward.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. 

As with so many things in life, it's about confidence. When you're young, you can rely on other people to instil confidence in you; people tell you that you're doing something right, or well done, good job. I can drive, but I still feel like I need an instructor or willing front-seat passenger to tell me I can do it, that it will be okay. As you get older, it's less likely that people will praise you for the mundane (maybe because it can be seen as patronising or unnecessary?) so you have to pat yourself on the back and reward appropriately. My reward is banana milkshake because I'm five years old.

Look, think, change, choose, look, wait, stop. 

Driving is not yet a habit; a task run on auto-pilot. Perhaps at some point in the future, it will become so that I drive from one place to another without even remembering the journey, but I'm not there yet. 

Go! Go! Go!

Flitterbox: Sum 41 - In Too Deep
Flitterbook: Going Out ~ Scarlett Thomas

Feeling Fearful

Today, I have experienced acrophobia.

I used to hate heights, but now I can cope a lot better. I have been up to the tops of buildings of many cities across the world, it's the best ways to get the views. While I still don't feel wholly comfortable with high places, the fear is more rational than it once was.

But it suddenly struck me on a bridge today, constructed high above the river flowing beneath. It had stood there for over 200 years without issue, people were crossing constantly, there were sturdy barriers. Unfortunately, reason doesn't hold much ground when faced with phobia.

I got the shakes and the start of the tears and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. It was scary but with my eyes facing forward and my fingers not moving from the handrail for the short length of the strong, steel bridge, I managed it.

As Baz Luhrmann told me: "do one thing every day that scares you". That was one of  my scary things for today and although it wasn't massive wouldn't be a problem for most people; I am slightly proud of myself for not going back, for not bailing. Big things are built from little achievements.

Flitterbox: Frank Sinatra ~ That's Life
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

Wiser Eyes

Today, I have been a grown-up.

There's nothing hugely different about being an adult, it happens almost without realising. I was a slightly anxious child and while I'm not as confident as I could be, it's simpler living in a world where people and processes of life are more straightforward; some things are still daunting, but it's easier to decipher situations and work out how to deal with them.

One of my favourite things about being in control of my own life is being able to eat whatever I want, which seems small, but feels mighty. If I want pancakes for breakfast? I can make them. If I want to have steamed vegetables as a starter because they cook faster, and then have the protein and potatoes to follow after, I can. If I want to eat ice-cream before my main course, no-one is stopping me. It's liberating to be able to cook and choose for myself. Of course it's nice occasionally to have meals prepared for me, but it's great to have the option to pick what I want to eat at any given time of day.

I don't know if I ever dreamed about these things as a kid, but I can imagine some children do. Like, all the stupid things that are out of reach to under-10s and suddenly become available once you become independent. I mean, of course, with great age comes great responsibilities too, but don't forget the power you have. You can stay up past midnight! You can have those sweets from the supermarket! You can watch whatever you like on the TV, even if it's gory or scary or violent or sexy! You can see your friends whenever you like! You can drink alcohol! You can have boys to stay in your room! You can go out by yourself! 

What would mini you want to do?

I think I was always kind of worried about growing-up. I was scared that my signature wouldn't match my credit card, terrified of speaking to people on the phone, wary of paying for shopping in stores.* Today, I have done all of these things without even noticing. I had noodles for breakfast and a doughnut for lunch, because I am a grown-up and being grown-up means I can. 

Flitterbox: Avicii ~ Wake Me Up
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

Worker Bee

Today, I have visited a laboratory.

There's only been a handful of times I've been inside a lab since I finished my degree, it was a chilling reminder of how things used to be. I am more than happy not to be stuck in front of a fume hood extracting samples into vials. But also, I am grateful that I understand the science behind some of the work I need to do. It's not entirely necessary, but it does give me a sense of smug satisfaction to have awareness and be able to partially apply that knowledge.

Sections on this site are due some tweaking. Can you really call yourself a student-turn-graduate when it's four years since completing the course? Maybe I need to figure out what my blog is about or what posts I should be proud of; my favourite ones. For now, I'll just point to the right, suggest you pick a word from the label cloud that looks interesting; or a month at random on the timeline and click on from there. Perhaps I need to figure out what I'm trying to say, after almost a decade of publicly declaring my emotions and experiences. But one of the keys to writing well is writing often and chances are when you haven't written in a while, what is written initially will not be always be wonderful (and people won't always be willing to read.) At least you're writing and sometimes that's enough. It will get better. Bear with me.

I finished a book. Train travel and time to myself in a hotel did the trick. Next one is yet to have begun, but has been recommended as per below so should at least be started tonight. I used to hate leaving a book unfinished, even one I wasn't enjoying; but the kindle makes abandoning a story effortless. Without the physical marker to indicate how far you haven't read through a paper-bound copy, you can let go more easily and say "hey, well, maybe that one wasn't for me."

If I can do it with books, perhaps I can apply the concept to other aspects? It takes courage, that's for sure. 

Flitterbox: Little Talks ~ Of Monsters and Men
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

May Day

Today, it is May.

It's the fifth month of the year and fifty-two books isn't quite as on track as I would hope. I could say there's been other things on my mind and that it's easier to endlessly watch American sitcoms than pick up the kindle, which is partly true but not really an excuse. Reading is so brilliant when you get into it and so simple to do anytime, for any length of time. I keep forgetting that when I'm out of the game.

I start the month off with a free stay in a four star hotel, sandwiched by two train journeys. What better reason to get away from the moving pictures and open up the mind pictures instead?

Flitterbox: The Family Crest ~ Kiss On My List
Flitterbook: The Shock of The Fall ~ Nathan Flier