Express Yourself

Tell me, who are you?

That line has been on my blog for years. Look to the right. It was prompted by a listen of the James song that kept going 'round in my head. I find it hard to sum myself up, whether that be in a sentence or two, or as part of a paragraph. In my hive, I'm just another bee, trying to be myself.

"You're a complex, honest, indecisive and intelligent lady"

The writing style I go for is not fitting for modern blogging. My internet voice has tended to be my thoughts on the page rather than the world through my eyes. I don't post many pictures, I don't say much about what I have been up to lately. I don't feel very comfortable telling people what's in my wardrobe or even much about what I got up to at the weekend, let alone what's on my mind. 

"You know Beca in Pitch Perfect? She's really quite reminiscent of you. A striking similarity in character."

So when it comes to telling the group something about myself, I freeze. I panic. I fear that I'll say too much, or not say it in the right way or choose the best bits to showcase. It won't be interesting or funny; insightful or factual enough. Who am I? 

"You're weird. I like that."

Flitterbox: James ~ She's a star

Pancake Days

Today, I have made pancakes. 

I suppose it was a couple of years ago or so that the thought dawned on me that...pancakes are not just for pancake day. It was a revelation. I like pancakes a lot and as a child, the days following Shrove Tuesday were exciting as we might have pancake batter left over, or we may even make a second batch to roll the fun into Lent. Alas, after that, pancakes were no more until next year, flour confined to the cupboard to be used infrequently for baking or sauces; eggs back on the shelf, waiting to be fried; milk put in the fridge, for tea and cereal. 

Then, one day I realised, I'm an adult. I can make pancakes anytime I want! It takes just three ingredients (plus the pan fat) and under 3 mins to whip up the mixture - it really is one of most hassle-free and easy-access recipes possible. I used to struggle with the appropriate quantities and that sometimes put me off, but for straightforward crepe-style classic batter, I've got it down - thanks to a blog entry many years ago which requires no scales and no thought process - bung a mug of flour, an egg and a mug of milk in a bowl and whisk it all together. I always use the same mug, it's not a standard measurement (like an American 'cup') although it is smaller than your average mug. I imagine that the quality could be marginally improved by taking more care over proportions, altering the method or amending the ingredients but it works well for me for the effort required.

Now, I eat pancakes often, perfect for any time of day.  My default topping is golden syrup (or maple if I'm feeling fancy) but for breakfast I might choose peanut butter and jam, or a brie and cranberry for lunch. Sometimes I add banana to the batter. It's a quick dessert, a simple treat for when I feel like something sweet and even if I eat the entire batch in one sitting (it makes about 4 medium pancakes), I figure it's not really that bad for the body, especially if the fillings are wholesome. 

Pancakes! Yay.

Flitterbox: Cake ~ Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

Telly Talk

Today, I have not watched television

This is not a ban, it is not a plan, it is not something I am proud to have managed. I have not watched television because I do not own one. 

It was an unessential expense at the time I moved in and would not be a cheap choice now. I can afford a television and it was always my intent to purchase one, but given that I've survived many months without it, I am increasingly doubting that I do require one after all. 

"How...can you not have a TV? What do you do in the evening?"

That's not to say I am any less sedentary or more productive as a result. Or even that I don't watch series or programmes that are shown on television.  People seem to forget the modern convenience and technology means you don't actually need a proper TV to be able to catch-up on your wanted watching. I have a laptop, I have Netflix access, 4OD, iTV player, BBC iPlayer. Having said that, I don't tend to watch that much; I spend screen time on the internet instead, or I listen to the radio. There's so much information out there, so many people's opinions, thoughts, reviews, suggestions that you can't possibly tire of it completely. There's not much room to be bored, these days. 

A television isn't a necessity for me, but it would be handy for guests and extending social invitations. As much as I love the idea that friends come over to chat, drink, eat and play games, that's not always the case. Sharing a film or show together can be as much a bonding experience as any other way of passing time,  It would be great to be able to say "come on over, let's watch this at mine". To curl up on the sofa with duvets and popcorn and see a film together. To arrange to have a weekly wine and Strictly session. To order-in pizza and consume an entire box-set back-to-back. 

So, as the new year and January sales roll around again, I am wondering - should I bite the bullet and buy a TV? Or save £300+ and spend that on a holiday instead? 

Flitterbox: The Buggles ~ Video Killed The Radio Star
Flitterbook: The State We're In ~ Adele Parks

Motorless Emotion

Today, I have a broken vehicle.

My car won't start. I don't know why, but I can't get it fixed until Monday. I never realised how much I rely on my car until that freedom was taken away from me. 

I can survive without transport for a weekend, of course. It's not a dire situation, and I spent plenty of years without my own car to drive. If I needed to get somewhere, I could call a cab, take a bus or get a lift from someone else. 

There's nowhere I absolutely have to be. There are plans I had made which are better re-arranged rather than trying to sort travel, now that don't have the means to drive there. It's okay, it's not much of a problem and I have plenty of things to keep me occupied at home and nearby. I have been for a walk; I have a small selection of shops within walking distance, if necessary. Sometimes, it's nice to have a reason to relax at home, sort some chores, read, cook, watch. Really, it's not much of an issue at all. 

However, it is a bit rubbish. I had plans.

Flitterbox: Dire Straits ~ Walk of Life

Flitterbook: The State We're In ~ Adele Parks

My Self

Today, I have felt accomplished. 

I started the day with a bowl of porridge and aching buttocks. First cardio & tone class of the year yesterday and I felt it in my legs, bum and tum afterwards. Then a yoga session to restore my torn and tired muscles today. Why yes, January, the year is barely beginning and I'm already winning. Take that.

The sixth of January is the Epiphany. I am not totally down with the spiritual side of yoga, but I think I prefer that slant to the fit-focus side of it. It is needed sometimes. Sort of like therapy, you lie in a room, stretch out, and someone tells you to stop stressing. Relax. Breathe. All that matters is that you look after yourself and your body, don't worry about the others. Do what feels right for you. Just let all tension and the worry go, if you can. It made me feel better, anyway.  I wouldn't say it's an epiphany, as such, but it's like I got this music in my mind saying "it's gonna be alright."

It is the last day of Christmas. Lights go off, decorations come down. For all intents and purposes, that means that new year starts tomorrow. 

A new dawn, a new day, a new life. And I'm feeling good. 

Flitterbox: Taylor Swift ~ Shake It Off - Mmm-mmm. 

Three Things

Today, I have felt inadequate.

When thinking about it, I would categorise the Things Women Worry About into three main groups. This is by no means extensive or applicable to everyone, but it has arisen in my mind over the last few days when mulling over recently-made resolutions from friends and in general. In no particular order:

1. Weight/Body/Size

It doesn't seem so much about being fit and healthy as looking a certain way, fitting into smaller sizes. I have never specifically 'dieted' as such. I have been slimmer and I have been fatter. It is such a source of constant conversation among some girls and I often find it so dull. If you want the cake, have the damn cake. Just don't have it every day and maybe move a bit more to make up for it. Or don't and sit on the sofa all evening without feeling guilty, if you want. A slice of cake will not ruin you. 

2. Relationships/Marriage/Babies

Grouped together, one naturally follows from the other but whether you're in or out or half-way towards a relationship, there seems to be often worries or outside input on what you should or shouldn't be doing and whether whatever or whoever you're doing is right for you. Or if you will ever find someone who is right for you. How long must you wait for it? Advice is well-meaning, I'm sure, but unless it is requested, it is not always welcome. If I don't tell you that you should break-up with your wandering-eyed boyfriend, then you don't need to tell me 'how to find someone', assuming that I am in constant search, because that's all anyone wants or needs, really. 

3. Career/Job/Progression

It's okay to be burnt out, because you have an impressive job title and pay packet. It's fine to travel for two hours a day and never see the sun...because that's what you have to do. What if I told you, you don't? What if I told you that although my job has drawbacks, so does yours and we can both be okay with what we do to make a living. That when someone asks me 'what do you do?' that the answer can be "I meet up for meals with my friends, I travel as often as I can afford, I watch films with my family. I make frequent jokes and sarcastic comments in conversation. I paint my nails, I make soup, I take my dog for walks. That's what I do. "My job does not define me as a person. What I 'do' comprises more than what I do to earn money. 

I am fine as I am, but that doesn't stop whispers getting to me. Fighting against the tide, people insisting that it's not right to not care about chips and cake, career or children. That you should be thinking about your future and that future should involve plenty of standard tick boxes along the defined time-line of life. You should earn at least this amount and if you're not bothered about progressing in your career or finding 'another half' as soon as possible, then there is something wrong with you. 

So much stress over things that aren't really issues at all. It makes me sad because in the midst of all the not-being-bothered, there is some truth there. And the whispers get to you. 

Flitterbox: P!nk ~ So What
Flitterbook: The Year I Met You ~ Cecelia Ahern 

Twenty Fifteen

Today, I have looked back. 

Happy New Year!

In the past year:

• I have exercised. I started yoga classes, I started line-dancing. 
• I have visited UK cities: London, Liverpool, Sheffield, Chester, Brighton, Bristol
• I have travelled abroad: Berlin, Dublin, Amsterdam, America, Brussels.  
• I have lived alone, for the first time. It has been fantastic. 
• I have been on my first camp holiday with Brownies. It was so much fun. 
• I have been to see The Feeling, George Ezra and many artists at V Festival.
• I have been to see several comedy shows. Mostly hilarious, occasionally bizarre.
• I have bought a car. I have driven on my own, often, for short journeys.
• I have taken a first aid course. I have had to apply the skills in a real situation.
• I have made new friends. I have kept the old. One is silver, the other gold. 

In the upcoming year:

• I will continue to do yoga. I hope start some cardio classes, too.
• I will be going to Scotland and Germany. I hope to visit Iceland also
• I will continue with Girlguiding. I hope to complete my leadership qualification.
• I will continue to live alone. I hope to have friends over more often.
• I will be seeing Maroon 5 and Taylor Swift. I hope to see more live music.
• I will continue to go to comedy shows. I hope to go to as many as possible. 
• I will continue to drive my car. I hope to make some longer journeys. 
• I will see my friends, new and old, whenever I can. We will make plans. 

Life is good. 

My only real resolution for the year is to read more books. That ties in with controlling my screen time in so much as being conscious of when I'm spending too much time on screen and forcing myself to take a break and read a book instead. 

Flitterbook: The Year I Met You ~ Cecelia Ahern 

Flitterbox: Nick Drake ~ Northern Sky