Bonne Année

Today, I have accumulated over five years of Flitterbee.

I am forever making resolutions. Whether it’s new year, lent, spring equinox, summer solstice, academic new year, the first of any month, start of the week or simply a sunny afternoon, I will find reason enough for tomorrow to be a fresh start. I rarely tend to follow these resolutions through, but it's not long before a chance to amend my ways comes around again.

Generally, I think I prefer retrospective resolutions - I look back on the year, at whatever date marker I deem appropriate, and admire my achievements, even if I had not singled them out at the offset. In this way, I haven't failed. I can just remember all the things I have done, rather than what I haven't managed. There are a few things I would like to happen this year, but they are not so much resolving to change my ways as specific goals. Of course, there are always aspects that I would like to do in a general "be a better version of me" sense, but these are gradual and need greater motivation than the mere chink & cheer of glasses raised upon the welcome of the new calendar year. 

I want to read more; I have a kindle now, so it is more convenient. I want to listen to different music; I need to update my digital music device. I want to write more frequently; it's been a while. I want to capture special moments; I want to make interesting memories. I want to do all of these and more, always and not just because it is new year. These are the continual aims are less measurable - "more" is harder to judge and I can't commit myself to put a discrete value on it. So, I will do what I can and see how it goes.

Happy New Year!

Flitterbox: Girls Aloud ~ No Good Advice

Flitterbook: Swimming Home ~ Deborah Levy

Blackberry Picking

Today, I have felt the fall chill.

It's coming to the end of summer. Start of September, you know the drill. Except, except, this year it's different. This year, for the first time in eighteen years, I will not be going back to full time education. This year, for the first time in over twenty-two years, I have no planned out path for my immediate future.

It scares the hell out of me.

Dire Straits

Today,  I have finished my degree.

It culminated in an oral assessment at 9am this morning.That was always going to be horrendous and while it didn't go well exactly, it wasn't quite the crisis situation I imagined. I am no longer in the dire straits that had come to be my default state of the last few months. Instead, I am ready to do the walk of life, all the road running has not been in vain. Why aye, man.

Degree - done. Now for lunch.

On the jukebox: Mark Knopfler ~ Boom, Like That

Drifting Away

Today, I have gone past the point of caring.

Reasons why I will definitely not be doing a PhD:

• I like routine and structure and I like when things work. Research offers none of those.
• Four more years in the same city with the same people, stuck in a lab all day? No way. 
• Too many men, too few females. I miss having girls around, you know?

Reasons why I could possibly consider doing a PhD:

• Flexible working hours and the freedom to do whatever you want, within reason.
• A 42 month contract, secured without interview and funded, tax free, £14k p.a.?! Where do I sign?
• Being around boys most of the time. You know, it's not as bad as they say. 

Okay, so I'm completely contrary but I'm sure that's no real surprise. This isn't a genuine contemplation of options by the way, I've already firmly decided that no way on earth will I be doing a postgraduate degree next year. Not after my experiences of the last few months, no thank you. In fact, on more than one occasion, I have wondered why I didn't just stick with the bachelor's when there was the choice...

However, science stress aside, I have had a great time, socially speaking and I wouldn't have wanted to miss out on that. And it's not over yet. I just have to slog through four more weeks of agony and then I am free from studying...forever. A prospect that both delights and terrifies me. Don't ask me what my plans are; I don't have them.

sugar & spice & all things nice

On the jukebox: Arctic Monkeys ~ Bet That You Look Good On The Dancefloor - don't know what you're looking for

Closing Time

Today, I have been woken up by my body clock.

Summer signifies endings. For the past five years, that is what it has always been about. In the same way that September signifies a fresh start, Summer is the indication of everything coming to a close. End of compulsory schooling; end of sixth form; end of halls; end of university. End of friendships. And I'm thrilled that I'm doing so well, but there's always the pinches of sadness within the whirlpool of happiness. It couldn't work any other way.

It's the end.

Life is going faster than I can keep up with and suddenly it's end of term? It's all birthday, drinks, birthday, party, birthday, bbq, birthday, celebrate, one day after another constantly, without a chance to fully appreciate the moment. I'd like to stop and hold it for a bit, pin down the butterflies, gather up the fireworks and blu-tack the moments to my heart, but I think if I stand still for too long I'd just be watching it whoosh by instead and that would make me more upset.

It's the end.

I can sort of see what they mean now when they say that student years are the best ones. I don't ever plan to describe it as such, as it's been such a confusing mix of emotions, rushing throught the heights and depths of growing up at the speed of light that it's very hard to say, confidently, that it was the time of my life. But I can sort of see what they mean, now.

It's the end.

It's all going to end soon, and gosh, I'm going to miss it. Like anyone does, I already miss the moments I know I will never have again. Change is hard. It's weird and often upsetting and bound to be unsettling. But eventually, you get used to it, you accept it, and though, you know, things won't ever be the same again, you are able to move on. Because there's always something more just around the riverbend and every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. So keep swimming.

The End.

On the jukebox: Semisonic ~ Closing Time - wham! in the solar plexus

Final Farewell

Today, I have said goodbye for good.

It's raining.

Overwhelmed. It's a habit to focus on the bad points of the moment, it's natural to see the past through rose-tinted glasses. I fear if I go on too long, I'll end up rambling and get emotional and uninteresting. So I'll try and keep it brief. Goodbyes are rubbish. Life is difficult. Results were a huge relief. This week has been great. Next year will be weird. The future is scary. You live and you learn and you keep on living.

Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings.
The only thing that's left to do is get another round in at the bar.

On the jukebox: The Calling ~ Wherever You Will Go <3

Party Time!

Today, I have been to a party.

Far from the wistful childhood party days of jelly, cocktail sausages and fizzy pop, nowadays it's all about the...jelly, barbecued sausages and...fizzy pop. Okay, so maybe it's not all that different nowadays, except for the vodka in the jelly, the beer on the sausages and the wine with the fizzy pop. But in essence, it's very similar - a group of young people gather 'round to sit and chat and play...

It's taken me a while, I'm still not completely all there, but after a couple of years, I think I've hit a spot where I'm comfortable and satisfied with who I am and what I do. This may be a flitting moment of madness, an up on the rollercoaster of life, so don't be surprised if I change tune in two minutes or so.

This week, I've packed more into my social life than the rest of the academic year put together. I've met more new people than I could ever imagine keeping up with. I've had more fun than I thought possible, and what's more, I've finally found a group of friends who I can spend plenty of time with. First year, while there were moments of pure hilarity, was not the most fantastic year of my life. Second year has had it's own share of issues, but looking back, I might be so bold as to say it's been better than first year. Certainly, after exams last year wasn't the best time for me, and while this season has it's own share of heartache, I feel like I'm dealing with things a lot better. I feel more secure in myself, happy and settled with the person I've become.

End of year is a confusing time. It's so up and down and all over the place. It's kind of been a bit of a blur, I want to catch hold of every moment and treasure the time together, but it's all going so fast I'm not quite sure what to make of it. As is probably evident by this jumbled and disjointed entry, it's all a bit twisted and turbulent and will be over too soon. But hey, if you're on the ride, you might as well open your eyes.

It's been a crazy couple of weeks, and there's still more to come!

On the jukebox: Jessica Riddle ~ Even Angels Fall

After Exams

Today, I have finished.

Now what?

The beginning is always today

On the jukebox: Eagle-Eye Cherry ~ Save Tonight

Turning Twenteen

Today, I have turned twenteen.

I think it's time to call it a day.
Thanks y'all!

On the jukebox: Deep Blue Something ~ Breakfast at Tiffany's

Chemistry Comradery

Today, I have finished labs.

Those of you who been taking note of my daily activities may have gathered that labs are not my favourite part of my degree. However, there are some definite bonuses to this aspect of the course, distinct advantages that sometimes make me realise that despite how awful it can be sometimes, let's face it, it's not the worst part of the degree, either. Since I am perfecting my profiency in procrastination, I feel it is appropriate to tell a bit more of nothing of much necessity, by way of reflection of the lab lessons learnt.

Three cycles of laboratory sessions: physical, organic, inorganic. Physical was first, easing into the lab situation, the most straightforward of the three, basically a lot of maths, equations and excel graphs. Organic followed it, organic labs are horrible. The worst. Half the time, they would honestly make me want to run out in tears. They weren't very helpful in learning more about chemistry, or perfecting experimental technique, all I was ever concerned about was achieving some discernable product, so I could have someway of proving that I had made progress. Plus, the demonstrators were a bunch of cocky twerps, but the less said about them, the better, really.

Finally, inorganic labs. Truth be told, I enjoyed these. Yes, enjoyed. Earlier in the year, I could never have seen myself saying that I actually enjoyed labs, maybe they were bearable, maybe not too bad, but that was always afterwards. The anticipation and worry that preceded lab sessions meant that before, I would have never have said to actually like going to labs. Sure, some parts were fun, it is the best way to get to know people on the course outside of organised socials, and a lot of the time the majority of the three hours each afternoon were spent just chatting or meandering, waiting for some reaction to happen. There have been moments of pure hilarity, spontateous suggestions and stupid questions that make you realise that, hey, we're all in the same boat and no-one really knows what they're doing half the time - even the PhD students!

It's strange, these past couple of weeks, I've found myself actually looking forward to labs. The inorganic demonstrators are more geeky than the arrogant organic cool dudes, but they're more socially adept than the ones in physical lab and usually very helpful, didn't make me feel completely incompetent and didn't make a move on me, which was a mixed blessing. Plus, inorganic means lots of pretty colours and less of the "you're going to destroy your lungs, eyes and skin if you so much as spill a drop of this" chemicals.

All in all, I'm kind of sad to see them finish. No more laughs in labs, no more spotting & spying demonstrators, no more in-jokes of the nerdy nature. Sometimes, it's the most social interaction I get all week, and as I find myself far more in alignment with chemistry chums than housemates, it seems loneliness looms, along with the inevitable revision/procrastination frustration. Also, the end of labs is very significant in that it signals the end of teaching for second year. The end of second year. Slightly strange, somewhat scary and so very sad :o(

On the jukebox: Coldplay ~ The Scientist

Break Up

Today, I have seen the end of a relationship.

Break-ups are always hard - fact of life, rite of passage. Is it lucky to have never have to go through a break-up? To stumble across the love of your life early on and never have want for anyone else? Well, that's a nice little fairytale and wouldn't it be great if things did work out like that. Maybe, for some they do, and I'm happy for them. If you're content with only ever having kissed one person your entire life and never knowing anything else, sure, you do that. Personally, I couldn't be coping with that. For me, there'd always be the what ifs, and I'd need to get that out of my system before embarking on a life-long companionship. Perhaps it's because I haven't met the right person yet, perhaps it's just human nature. In part, doubting is natural, if you've never doubted, then there's never been a opportunity to prove to yourself the right decision. If you've never questioned, then how can you know it's the right answer?

Anyway, that doesn't take away the fact that even if the questioning leads to the inevitable end, it still hurts to do the 'right' thing. Change is difficult, often, staying the same is easy, is comfortable. Whether it be a three week spring fling or a three year complete dedication, drawing it to a close brings up a whole host of complicated emotions that linger way above and beyond the outward act of breaking-up.

The thing is, single is fun. For a while. But it's never seen as a life plan, is it? The assumption is always that you're on the lookout, however young or old, however much experience you've had good or bad, recently or previously with relationships, everyone's always out on the prowl, yearning for the next number to be the one to make it past the first few hurdles.

To be thrown back to the starting line, into the singles arena, when you thought you had your life figured out in that respect is an awful hard hit to take. To discover that however sure you are, nothing is for certain, ever and you've either got to work with it, or let it go. Sometimes letting go is the more sensible option, even if it means losing face, even if it means being alone, even if it means giving up, even if there's still some love there. Nothing lasts forever, so be honest, it hurts but it may be the only way.

Sometimes, the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

On the jukebox: Regina Spektor ~ Samson