Mascara Tears

Today, I have been blue.

Where to start?

Blue Monday is the last Monday is January, hyped up by the media as the most depressing day of the year, for a variety of reasons. I can see the sentiment, my first Monday back at work is monotonous and dull, I feel like I am getting nowhere and I am directly asked why exactly I have chosen to be here? Honestly, I wonder that myself, every single day.

Tuesday followed, in which the fact that I despise my daily occupation is reinforced. Next comes the day that shall henceforth be known as Acid Wednesday, in which I manage to burn my forehead with concentrated sulfuric acid and again, reaffirm the fact that I am a complete incompetent idiot. I have a restless night due to kneeache and a drunk dialler. Then Thursday, well, it's an oral assessment, in which I fail to demonstrate my knowledge of even the most simple concepts and compounds that I have been studying for the past three months. Friday arrives, at last, and the dip improves when I am asked to aid a person in a senior position as my experiments have succeeded where his have failed, so how about I try to explain to him what I'm doing right? That would be fine, if I knew how or why what I was doing does actually work, and if it was consistent in doing so.

This has not been a good week. I haven't slept well, I haven't performed well, and I feel awful about well, a lot of things. It's been a bad month, January often is. But come Monday, both a new week and a new month begins and I can sweep the time and trials that have passed under the carpet and start afresh.

Tonight, I am having an early night. Tomorrow, I'm going shopping.

On the jukebox: Ok Go ~ Here It Goes Again

Radio Silence

Today, I have refrained.

All signs point towards Yes.

Sometimes, it's only when everyone is telling you that this is the thing to do that makes you see that it really isn't right at all for you. You need, not always reassurance, but someone to tell you to go for it, to try, to see, to say yes, because if you don't, you might regret it.

I might regret it, but I doubt it. It's the decision I'm choosing to make and I'd say it's not easy, but no decision is easy for me - it's a wonder I ever manage to get out of the house in the morning. Because choosing not to do something can be just as much of a risk as going for the thing that may not be the greatest thing. I'm taking the chance that there's something else out there, something better and that I don't have to settle for less.

Do you honestly think this is as good as it gets for you?

It could be, maybe. Well, we shall see.

These last couple of months or so have been odd, probably take the crown of bizarrity when measured against the rest of the past year, and that's saying something. I've pushed myself beyond the comfort zone, but there comes a point when you have to halt the madness before it gets out of control. I could have gone along, it would have been fun, I know. But I couldn't be bothered with the confusion and the guilt that comes from the pretence.

I am very good at pretending.

For a short while, I was queen of the fairies. Now I'm back at square one. Or, well, square one and a quarter. Partly by choice, partly by circumstance and partly because that's just the kind of girl I am. I've done a fair bit of self-evaluation recently, and it's not been pretty. And I have learnt some things, I'm sure. So maybe it'll be better next time, practice makes perfect. Or maybe it'll be messed up in a new and spectaculary different way. Who can say, eh? Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Once in a while your life gets so good,
Worth all the trouble of the past,
That was the case, but I think I knew,
Good things never last.

Go Fish

On the jukebox: Eels ~ Jeannie's Diary - one single page

Noughties Netlife

Today, I have looked back.

The defining aspect of my decade? The internet. In 2000, I created my first email address. In 2005, I created my first weblog.I have lived these last ten years online in many ways. From arranging msn conversations with school friends, to joining a forum of web friends, to tagging faces of university friends, the internet has been an essential part of almost all of my relationships outside of family.

In 2009, I first met someone I had previously only spoken to on the internet. It's not such a big deal, it happens all the time nowadays. But for me, it is. I never planned to be this person and I'm not sure quite how it came about. One of the odd things about the internet interaction deal is that it's so very simple to go right back and see where you started. It began with a blog which grew into comment contact and then email exchange followed by msn moments until bam! Three years down the line and suddenly you're meeting up in person?

What I like most about the internet is that you can have friends whereever you go in the world. They may be friends you never see, but they are always there. A constant. And in a life where your path weaves all over the land, moving up and down, going out of your mind and growing into yourself, it's nice to know there is always a virtual home you can come back to, and it will be the same, whatever your surroundings or situation in reality. I have a blog and it's ridiculous to place so much emphasis on something so...inanimate, but golly, I don't know what I would have done without it, sometimes.

Because sometimes, when you feel like this, you need it. You just need to talk into the abyss, and know, that even if someone isn't nodding, or smiling, even if they can't offer a hug or a hand, they have read and maybe, they understand. And that's a comfort, that is.

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief.

Happy 2nd Birthday, Flitterbee.

On the jukebox: Butterfly Boucher ~ Life Is Short

Breaking Habits

Today, I have been a year ago and three thousand miles away.

When you do something or see someone fairly frequently, it can seem weird when you break it off and suddenly the option isn't around anymore.

Someone once said it was like climbing a hill. I forget the exact wording, but it's something along the lines of a struggle at first, but it gets easier and you get to the top and see how far you've come. I didn't quite get that, as once you get to the top, surely it's all downhill from there? Unless you stay at the top of the hill, on top of the world; a sense of achievement in having conquered your mountaineous mission.

Although, after a while, I guess you get used to it. If you have been forbidden from keeping up the habit, or have chosen not to, after a while it becomes easier to accept and you find other people to see, or other hobbies to occupy yourself with. After all, there's plenty of people who don't have that person in their lives, or don't have that habit to break - I mean, what do they do with the time on their hands, or their hands all the time?

But sometimes, it hits you that this is the sort of time that you might like to just speak to that person, just have one drag on that cigarette, or there's a bit of nail just begging to be bitten. And while those moments generally travel on, along with the fushia-tinted haze that carries them, that passing pinch of desire for the slice of the sweet part of the bitter cake can pierce your heart just a little.

You are a splendid butterfly,
it is your wings that make you beautiful
And I could make you fly away,
But I could never make you stay.



Happy New Year, everyone.

On the jukebox: Elbow ~ The Bones Of You