Telly Talk

Today, I have not watched television

This is not a ban, it is not a plan, it is not something I am proud to have managed. I have not watched television because I do not own one. 

It was an unessential expense at the time I moved in and would not be a cheap choice now. I can afford a television and it was always my intent to purchase one, but given that I've survived many months without it, I am increasingly doubting that I do require one after all. 

"How...can you not have a TV? What do you do in the evening?"

That's not to say I am any less sedentary or more productive as a result. Or even that I don't watch series or programmes that are shown on television.  People seem to forget the modern convenience and technology means you don't actually need a proper TV to be able to catch-up on your wanted watching. I have a laptop, I have Netflix access, 4OD, iTV player, BBC iPlayer. Having said that, I don't tend to watch that much; I spend screen time on the internet instead, or I listen to the radio. There's so much information out there, so many people's opinions, thoughts, reviews, suggestions that you can't possibly tire of it completely. There's not much room to be bored, these days. 

A television isn't a necessity for me, but it would be handy for guests and extending social invitations. As much as I love the idea that friends come over to chat, drink, eat and play games, that's not always the case. Sharing a film or show together can be as much a bonding experience as any other way of passing time,  It would be great to be able to say "come on over, let's watch this at mine". To curl up on the sofa with duvets and popcorn and see a film together. To arrange to have a weekly wine and Strictly session. To order-in pizza and consume an entire box-set back-to-back. 

So, as the new year and January sales roll around again, I am wondering - should I bite the bullet and buy a TV? Or save £300+ and spend that on a holiday instead? 

Flitterbox: The Buggles ~ Video Killed The Radio Star
Flitterbook: The State We're In ~ Adele Parks

Two Hands

On one hand, my nails are perfect and the skin unblemished. On the other hand, I am covered in scratches and chipped polish.

On one hand, my job is not the worst in the world. I work autonomously; I get paid regularly. I do not work above my contracted hours and I do not think about work outside of those. On the other hand, I need a new job; a challenge; a chance of progression; a stretch of my skills, before I get too comfortable and unable to branch out. 

On one hand, a relationship is a whole lot of effort and expectation that I can't be dealing with right now. It's not something I want; it's not something I'm looking for. On the other hand, it is quite nice to have another hand to hold.

On one hand, I must try harder. On the other hand, I can't quite muster the motivation to do so. 

Flitterbox: Laura Marling ~ Goodbye England (Covered in Snow)

Confetti Confessions

This is the first year where people I actually know, beyond a passing connection, are getting hitched and boy, there's a fair few of them. It's so weird, but I suppose you just kind of accept it. Some are older than me (though not by much!) but several are the same age, or younger. It seems 2011 is the year to get married.

Bleak Midwinter

It has been over six months since I discovered my degree result. 

I am looking at the graduate opportunities in New Scientist and I can’t convince myself that I am capable of any of the proposed careers. I narrowly escaped failing my Masters project. I mean, actually failing, not just scraping by on less than a second class degree. So how could I possibly believe that I could achieve in a scientific-based job, or anything else, for that matter? I honestly do not consider myself good enough and so the thought of merely applying chills me to the bones and increases my heart rate to an alarming level.

So, I stick my head in the sand.

Blackberry Picking

Today, I have felt the fall chill.

It's coming to the end of summer. Start of September, you know the drill. Except, except, this year it's different. This year, for the first time in eighteen years, I will not be going back to full time education. This year, for the first time in over twenty-two years, I have no planned out path for my immediate future.

It scares the hell out of me.

Cookie Crumbs

Today, I have no cake.

Oh, I hate turning down options. It's just like, well, if I didn't have the option, it would be rubbish, yes, but then at least I'd say to myself, well, if I had the option, I'd take it, it's just that I don't have the option. But then I get handed the option on a plate, ticking all the right boxes and hardly any of the wrong ones. And it's like, so where's your problem? TAKE THE CAKE, it's yours for keeps. But suddenly, it's like, but I dunno, I don't think I really want this. But why? I don't know, it just doesn't smell quite right, I'm sure there's something missing. But what? It's cake, and it's hot and it's fresh and ready to fill your tummy with sugar and spice and all things nice. And I'm like, but really, will eating that cake actually make me feel good, or will it satisfy the hunger for a bit but then I'll wish I had some flapjack instead? GEEZ, IT'S JUST A SLICE OF CAKE. It wouldn't kill you to try it, and if you don't like it, leave it, at least you'll have had a taste. And so you deliberate for a bit longer, really make 'em wait before deciding that no, I really don't want cake, thank you. So it's like, fine, someone else can have the cake, I'm sure that they'll appreciate it. And I'm like, cool, it's better to eat something you really want to eat rather than waste energy on something you don't. And wouldn't it be selfish to have cake for the sake of it when someone else might actually really, really want that particular cake...?

You'd better hope you find some flapjack, then.

On the jukebox: Micheal Bublé ~ Haven't Met You Yet

Radio Silence

Today, I have refrained.

All signs point towards Yes.

Sometimes, it's only when everyone is telling you that this is the thing to do that makes you see that it really isn't right at all for you. You need, not always reassurance, but someone to tell you to go for it, to try, to see, to say yes, because if you don't, you might regret it.

I might regret it, but I doubt it. It's the decision I'm choosing to make and I'd say it's not easy, but no decision is easy for me - it's a wonder I ever manage to get out of the house in the morning. Because choosing not to do something can be just as much of a risk as going for the thing that may not be the greatest thing. I'm taking the chance that there's something else out there, something better and that I don't have to settle for less.

Do you honestly think this is as good as it gets for you?

It could be, maybe. Well, we shall see.

These last couple of months or so have been odd, probably take the crown of bizarrity when measured against the rest of the past year, and that's saying something. I've pushed myself beyond the comfort zone, but there comes a point when you have to halt the madness before it gets out of control. I could have gone along, it would have been fun, I know. But I couldn't be bothered with the confusion and the guilt that comes from the pretence.

I am very good at pretending.

For a short while, I was queen of the fairies. Now I'm back at square one. Or, well, square one and a quarter. Partly by choice, partly by circumstance and partly because that's just the kind of girl I am. I've done a fair bit of self-evaluation recently, and it's not been pretty. And I have learnt some things, I'm sure. So maybe it'll be better next time, practice makes perfect. Or maybe it'll be messed up in a new and spectaculary different way. Who can say, eh? Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

Once in a while your life gets so good,
Worth all the trouble of the past,
That was the case, but I think I knew,
Good things never last.

Go Fish

On the jukebox: Eels ~ Jeannie's Diary - one single page

Young Hearts

Today, I have been listening to lyrics.

It's funny, you know. You can be miles and miles apart from someone yet have more contact with them than you did when they lived two doors down. You can see someone every day and hardly talk, you can see someone every three months and yet keep constant contact. Sometimes, I think that I'm better as an online appendage, a virtual girl. I prefer writing to talking, I prefer thinking to doing. 'Cause some things are too painful to say out loud.

Young love, never seems to last, hearts are young until they have a past. So much can change in a year or a minute or more, it's so odd to look back on it all. It's all too easy to romantacise, to fantasise when you're apart for lengths of time. To think that it's so much better, so much richer when you're with each other. Until you take it apart and realise there's nothing left to keep it together, just the memories of the past and the wish for something more.

But the trouble with dreams, they're not what they seem,
cause when you awake, they fall through your fingers
in flakes

On the jukebox: Mystery Jets ~ Young Love

Suspended Reality

Today, I have been in a state of limbo.

I'm not a black or white, in or out, all or nothing kind of girl. I'm a wait and see, let things be, hmm possibly kind of girl. But now I'm at the stage where a decision has to be made: should I stay or should I go? A clear cut yes or no. I need to stop floating about in a fantasy world.

"We're one of those really annoying couples you see everywhere at this time of year, aren't we?!"

Why, yes, yes, it appears that we are acting as if that is the case. And for this moment, this instant, this small window of wonderful opportunity, it's fantastic. Until the bubble pops and we find ourselves crashing back to reality.

On one hand, I enjoy the affection ever so much. I enjoy the attention even more. I want it all and I want it now. But I can't have it all and I can't have it now. And I'm not actually sure if I want it because I want it, or I want it because I want him. I have a feeling it's the former, but I've not had a chance to find out if it's the latter because he wants me so much, I haven't got enough space to figure out my own feelings. Go away, give me a chance to miss you, say goodbye, it'll make me want to kiss you.

On the other side of the story, I enjoy flirtation ever so much. I'm on the lookout for someone to sweep me off my feet, I don't want to settle for something that is less than fireworks and butterflies, at least at the start. The distance is an issue, as is the whole needing to do well in the workstuff and for that, I don't need the distraction, because I am easily lead astray as it is. That's the logical, sensible side of it.

However, we have fun together and I long for that comfortable couple thing, so much so that I'm giving the wrong impression, up and down all over the place and I'm not just talking metaphorically. Actions speak louder than words. I kind of like the you're amazing affirmation and the random texts of amusing observations. I kind of like having someone there who cares about what I have to say. I tend to make things difficult for myself by blowing hot and cold, handing out mixed messages and misleading signals, left right and centre. But I'm not trying to play a game, I am genuinely confused about how I feel.

I don't really want to start something that I already know will end up going nowhere, because the deeper I let myself fall, the harder the hit will be. And I feel guilty and uneasy being aware that someone is more into me than I am into them. I don't have the time to figure out whether that is absolute, zero versus one, or whether we are just at different stages on the spectrum of attraction and it may take some time for me to get up to speed. I just don't know, I'm not sure and I don't want to be stringing someone along just for a bit of fun, all the while waiting for my knight in shining whatever to arrive out of the dark and show me the sparks I've been holding out for. But well, is there anything wrong with kissing a few frogs along the way?

So someone, please, tell me what to do?

On the jukebox: Katy Perry ~ Hot N Cold - we fight, we break up, we kiss, we make up

Winter Wonderings

Today, I have come home for Christmas.

Motorways are boring. They allow a lot of time for absent-minded thought. The many junction stretch that takes me from one town to the other is a journey I've done countless times over the past forty months.

So I've done a lot of thinking.

The distance from South East Asia to the UK is large and a year is a long time. There are no phones in the jungle and there are no flights that are less than an extortionate amount. And I know it'll be an amazing experience, but I'll miss you, you know. Six thousand miles is very far...

The distance from this 'shire to that 'shire is less far. But it's still a long way and when there's the option of "coming 'round to mine" being a two minute walk rather than a three and a half hour train journey, it's awfully tempting to try for the former choice. It's the less definite opportunity and yet, it's the more appealing one. I want the holding hands and walking in a winter wonderland and mistletoe kisses. I want the being made a fuss of and the sharing experiences and the meaningful conversations and the private jokes and the classic enviable image of a young couple at christmastime. I want all that. Just not with the person I can have it with and especially if that person is not nearby for most of the time.

The distance from the city centre to the house in the small town on the outskirts is negligible compared with the previous two examples. It's hardly worth making a fuss about. But when you've gotten so used to living in the same abode as your best friends, and less than a couple of kilometres away from the rest of them, when you're used to the fact that you work with people of a similar age to you every day, it's awfully frustrating to come back to living in a place where every friend is a car drive apart and just a brief catch-up with some old chums requires rigorous organisation.

It feels like I'm living on borrowed moments and briefly snatched chances. There's not enough hours to get to know people before you have to pack up and leave again. I want more time and less distance. As always, life is travelling at the speed of sound and I need a moment to wait a while and draw it all in. But there's just no room for that.

It must be christmas time.

On the jukebox: The Pretenders ~ 2000 miles - sometimes, in a dream, you appear

Femme Fatale

Today, I have been fazed by complications.

It is Sunday evening and I have once again lost my weekend in a haze of crazy nocturnal activity inbetween lazing around in bed. In fact, my whole week has been unproductive in its entirety.

Here's some tips:

If the boy you're kind of seeing (but not really seeing because you've only actually seen him once so how can you call that exclusive but that's besides the point) calls you up at half two in the morning when you're with your friends who are down for the weekend except that they're not really your friends and you kind of might have had a little thing with one of them at some point, then a) don't answer the phone and b) do not let the boy who you kind of had a thing with but not really and who is quite attractive with an amazingly sexy voice and also a proper Real Doctor take the phone from you and speak to the boy because the boy who you're kind of seeing but not really seeing might think that you're the kind of girl that does that kind of thing every Saturday night, when really, you're not that kind of girl at all.

Oh dear.

I am so so tired. I am so confused. I have been like this for over a week. I have a report due and a viva voce next week and I can't think and I'm not sure and I just want someone to talk to who is a) a girl and b) understands. Someone who doesn't resent me, because it's not as if I do go around suggesting that all of the boys are after me but I can't help it if somehow it's true. I'm not trying to be a homewrecker or a cocktease or arrogant bitch or whatever you want to think, I just want to get along with people. I just want to be friendly and have fun and yes, maybe flirt a little, too. But so can you, you know.

This is why I don't want to drink. I do not like myself when I am drunk. Alcohol is not an excuse.

Oh dear.

On the jukebox: Elton John ~ Are You Ready For Love?

New Scientist

Today, I have played with liquid nitrogen.

The panic has subsided somewhat and I'm now kind of excited about what lies ahead. It should be good, I could get published! But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Anyway, just because I was recently offered an opportunity to do a PhD at the second best research institution for chemistry in the country, doesn't mean I will choose to take them up on it.

Meanwhile, life is flowing as expected. After solidifying the nanoparticles using liquid nitrogen, the vessel was put in the freezer to defrost. Yes, that's right. I put it into the freezer in order to defrost it a little so that it would 'warm up' enough to take the stopper off without cracking the glass. Nitrogen boils at 77 Kelvin. In Celcius terms, that's -196 degrees. Pretty darn cold. It's best not to stick your limb in liquid nitrogen, because then it freezes the blood vessels in your hand so the blood can't flow and your finger falls off, that is, you become a victim of frostbite. Also, try not to breathe too much of the vapour in, as you may unknowingly asphyxiate yourself. But let's not concern ourselves too much. Nitrogen is one of the more harmless chemicals we use - an inert, odourless, colourless substance that makes up 78% of the earth's atmosphere.

I am working in a Real Research Laboratory, with Real Research Scientists. These are the people who may well change the way the world works, and guess what? I'm a part of that.

I am investigating something that has never been done before. By the end of my project, I will know more about the area I'm researching than my supervisors themselves. It's kind of terrifying, and kind of thrilling at the same time. I'm quite looking forward to it all and although, I've no doubt, spinning flasks in liquid nitrogen will get old at some point, I'm going to relish the novelty while it lasts...

On the jukebox: Newton Faulkner ~ If This Is It

Think Tank

Today, I have the internet.

I don't talk to myself. I write to myself, which is only worse because there's a record of it. I've been very tired this week, but I've also had a lot of time to think. However, life is more than just thinking about things, sometimes you need to do something instead.

I really want to like, go out there and join something. It's not really for my CV, to be honest, although obviously, it's good to show you have other interests etc, but I want to do this for me. To meet new people, to actually do an activity that doesn't involve being on the computer constantly. I want to have hobbies, interests, stories to tell, even if they're not as exciting as we went to this gig and she pulled this guy and then he pulled this guy and you'll never guess what, the dude was actually a chick...or something cool like that.

So I went to the societies fair. I gave a cursory glance to the knitting stall, not quite brave enough to approach and admit that I want to learn to knit, I truly do. To wear something or give something and be like, yes, I made that, and not everyone can do that. Because I'm not a terribly creative person, I chose to study science, after all. But I think this is something I could do. And the photo society too, but I feel like I should be better than I am at photography - when you say you work for a photography company, people expect you to be amazing, I mean, anyone can take a photo these days, what makes you so special? And I'm not. I can catch the odd candid, but I know feck all about appropriate iso and f/stops. And being scientifically inclined, that should be the bit I'm good at, right? So when it comes to like, striking landscape and terrific travel photography, well, that's just not me. Getting the lighting right? I dunno, I'm mainly just a dogsbody who makes the tea. Milk and sugar?

Speaking of photography, how impressive do fire poi pictures look? Très awesome, that is the answer, if you can do it properly. So I spoke to the girl at that stand as well, she offered me a staff to have a go and I was like, no way, I've never even tried it before. But if you join, you can go along and see how to do all the juggling and whizzing and whirling and twirling and there's people to help. I'm clumsy, and not awfully dexterous though, I think I wouldn't be very good at it.

I'm too scared and I hate not being good at stuff. I also want to go to dance classes, but I don't have my tap shoes here, or my SLR, or a friend to go along with and I know you'll say I'll make friends there, well of course I will, but still, it's the effort and everything and it's so easy to just be like, well, I'm working long lab days now, so do I really have the time or the energy? Of course I should focus on my work, yes, I didn't do three years of an undergraduate degree to just throw it away for a chance to fling some fire around or fiddle with photoshop, right? And so you'll say, yes, but you need a life outside of work, right? And sometimes these kind of experiences can be far more valuable in the long term. Well yes, but I'm scared and when you're scared, it's so easy to just stand still in fright like a petrified rabbit, because if you try to cross over the road, you might just die. But then again, if you try to leap, you might just make it.

I'm not sure that analogy even makes sense. But when did they ever? Someone, please, tell me what to do because I spent all of last night stuck in the metaphorical middle of two girls who are in love, unrequitedly, with the same boy and oh gosh, spending a sober evening having each of my ears successively gnawed off by these ridiculous females inbetween being unwillingly groped by old men is enough to drive a girl to drink.

I need an alternative distraction.

On the jukebox: Peter Grant ~ Windmills Of Your Mind

Two Weeks

Today, I have two weeks left.

How time can move both fast and slow amazes me.

Two weeks. It will be the end of the summer holidays. Two weeks until I officially commence my third (penultimate?) year of university studentdom. Two weeks left of untimetabled, deadlineless, lab-lacking days.

Two weeks. Two weeks until two birds fly the nest. Two weeks until a distance of a few meters between the family turns into a few hundred miles between us all, spreading wings across the country. Testing bonds, gaining independence, learning life, growing up.

Two weeks. I don't really see how you can call two weeks a relationship. Surely, if it doesn't last longer than two weeks, then it's not really a relationship at all? But the language of partnership confuses me - "seeing each other" "dating each other"? It's hard to pinpoint an exact moment, it's easier to just somehow fall into a routine and then not really be sure when it began.

Surely, two weeks isn't long enough to fall in love?

Two weeks. A little less than 4% of the year. Depending on how you look at it, it could be a long while, it could fly by in a flash. I'm feeling a bit in limbo, as always, torn between two places, two social circles, living out of suitcases and always sitting, waiting, wishing...

I just got myself to blame
Leave everything up to fate
When there's choices I can make
When there's choices I can make
Now my heart needs a polygraph
Always eager to pack my bags
When I really wanna stay
When I really wanna stay

On the jukebox: Bright Eyes ~ Road To Joy

Course Conflict

Today, I have weighed up pros and cons.

Background: I am on a four year course which will ultimately mean I will attain a MSci Hons degree in two years time, as long as I keep up or improve on the standard I am currently working at. A masters degree will be ever so useful when it comes to applying for jobs, and will be all round more impressive at the end of it, especially if I wish to go into a career related to my degree. However, I'm not sure that I do want to go into a career related to my degree, or that I am up to the motivation required to complete the four year course to an acceptable level. Therein lies the dilemma...

Four Year Course Or Three Year Course?

Reasons to stick on the four year course:

• More experience, better job prospects, improved knowledge, more impressive degree qualification etc etc...
• I am already on the course, it's easier to continue rather than quit and find I regret it.
• Don't have a clue what I would do otherwise - another year at uni buys more time to think this through, or put off the decision making, while opening more options for choice of career.
• Get to stick with the student lifestyle for a little longer - pfft, who needs to grow up? And then I could do a PhD, and be a post-doc researcher and never ever need to get a real job...
• Get to see all the people who have been away for third year, consolidate friendships, continue getting to know people, increase friend base, live away from home a while longer, keep up independance. If I switch to three years, all of this studentdom will be cut short.

• The idea of only having one year left at uni scares the hell out of me.

Reasons to switch to the three year course:

• I'm not sure I'm cut out for the stresses, independence or motivation needed in fourth year, or the constant strive to achieve and I fear I'd feel inadequate in comparison to everyone else and unable to cope.
• Most of the time is spent in the lab, working on your own project, which you are figuring out. Alone. It's worth a quarter of the degree as a whole. Do I really want to risk a year of misery?
• May require further qualifications if I decide to do something else, so what's the point in doing a masters in my current subject?
  
• If I switch to three years, it might give me the push I need to seek what I really want to do with my life. Or it could be another wasted year when I think - hey, I should have just gone through with the masters, it wouldn't have been that bad, right?
• Even having a BSc in the subject is a darn sight more impressive than most degrees on the market - I'd be well set up for most jobs, even if I don't know which to choose yet.

• The idea of spending every day in the lab scares the hell out of me.

So what do you think? More to the point - what do you think I think? Ask questions, give advice, opinions, personal experience, anything that'll make me swing more convincingly one way or another!? There's no specific deadline for this decision, but for my own peace of mind, I'd like to have it sorted in my head before the end of the summer, as planning for the next academic year often starts in the beginning of the current one. So, although there's no guarantee that I'll take anything of what is said to me...please, feel free to give your tuppence worth...!

Vote: Stick or Switch?

On the jukebox: The Monkees ~ Daydream Believer

Fond Farewell

Today, I have said goodbye for now.

Many of my close friends are spending the year away from uni next year. For countless of other students of my era, it's the same situation. Third year is placement year, third year is year abroad. Third year is the penultimate year for many, the final year for most.

Drawing into a close on my second year involves coming to the realisation of how strange it will be next year. Well, strange in the scheme of things, the learning curve at this age is so very steep that there is always bound to be life-altering events continually whilst at uni - people changing, moving, forming of new friendships, breaking off from old boyfriends. So strange is all relative - different is what it will be.

Do you think it is advisable, in this stage of life, to stay in a relationship when you know you will be in different countries for over a year? Then, if you decide it's not the best plan to conduct a trans-continental - or even trans-national - relationship, do you think you should stay together up until the point when you know you'll have to end it, or break it off before, when you know that the end is in sight, but you still could feasibly see each other? Is it weird to set a date to break up? Does it make it harder to string it out when you know it's going to have to end, or should you make the most of your time together, counting down the days...? Oh, I could not tally the amount of times a concept such as this has been a cause for discussion, contemplation and the infamous "it's complicated"

That's part of the problem with relationships at university, at one point or another, it is bound to be long distance for at least some of the time. Of course, that's not necessarily a reason to not get into a relationship, but it makes things a lot harder than when you have the option of being around any time you like. Since sixth form, this idea has been chewed over until it's stale, and yet new circumstances where it applies keep cropping up, and so the conversation never dies.

When it comes down to it, I don't think it's about cheating. Relationships are about being able to spend time and share moments, memories and musings with that person. It's restricting, although it's a comfort factor, to consign yourself to a relationship with someone on the other side of the world. Just because it might be better for you not to be together doesn't mean you want to sleep around, it doesn't mean you want to find someone else, it doesn't mean you have someone else in mind. It's more about freedom. Freedom, to do whatever you decide, whenever you want, go wherever you like, with whoever you wish, and if you kiss somebody, then both of you get practice.

We are young, we run free.

Vote: Break Up or Stay Together?

On the jukebox: Tina Turner ~ I Aint Missing You

Distressed Damsel

Today, I have been asked out.

Often, I find myself in these conflicts of interests regarding social situations. Do I want to go because I want to go? Do I want to go because I feel like I should? Do I want to go because if I don't it's just another wasted opportunity of youth and a step towards an isolated life?

Do I need to stop thinking things over so much? Yes.

Oooohww. I don't want to meet up with someone, but I feel like I should. They're only going to be in the city for the weekend, so I really should. Even though we haven't spoken properly since last time we saw each other, we keep in touch, but email just isn't the same! There's approximately one thing that we have in common - we both studied the same subject at the same university simultaneously, although at separate levels. We've only crossed paths a handful of times since our first encounter, and to be honest, I don't really get why it has been suggested that we meet up after over a year of not seeing each other. It's going to be awkward, isn't it?

"Maybe we could go for a coffee or something?"

I know, it's just a turn of phrase, it doesn't need to be taken literally, it's just a vague way of saying "hey, let's meet up sometime" but this suggestion has been poised to me three times in the past two weeks and my immediate reaction is:

1. I don't drink coffee.
2. I'm not American.
3. You don't actually want to meet up with me, do you?

On the jukebox: David Sneddon ~ Stop Living The Lie

Split Shift

Today, I have felt shuffled about.

Here. There. Home. Back. Leave. Return. Coming. Going.

The first few weeks of my pseduoholiday are reasonably diary-filled. Summer sees another influx of birthdays, as well as belated birthdays (due to exam constraints), along with the general "we have nothing better to do than drink" mentality that comes with end of term, meaning there's rarely an excuse not go out of an evening. The student life, eh? There's also the other summer celebrations that roll around and the odd one-off events - charity runs, family gatherings, theatre trips, weddings, music festivals, visiting long-distance friends, holidays.

All in all, there's lots to look forward to, so there should be no complaints merely because there's so many opportunties avaliable. The problem is, with so much choice, and the fact that my life is split into two places, it is difficult to decide upon the right course of action. A 21st birthday celebration up here, but a friend in need back there. One of my friend's birthday party clashes with a theatre trip - the tickets for the latter were booked months in advance. It's a cousin's confirmation; there's a wedding I've been asked to work at. The one evening uni friends may be visiting my home town in the summer, and I will be out of town. Being booked tickets for the best musical in the history of the stage, and having to give them up, because I am on holiday. Tough life, eh?!

Along with all the awkward decision-making that every double-booked day involves, there's the inevitable guilt attached. There's the booking public transport appropriately, spending a evening here, squeezing in a sleepover there. Going out 'til 3am, getting the bus five hours later, only to return the next day, and the next week repeat the routine again. Some people could take it in their stride, thrive on the buzz of being a busy social butterfly. It exhausts me, just contemplating it and trying to work around everything, whilst being there for the people who need me, not letting down the people I've already confirmed and somewhere in the midst of it all, finding where I can fit it what I want to do, and not just because I should do it.

On the jukebox: Ocean Colour Scene ~ The Day We Caught The Train

Seaside Scene

Today, I have seen the settling of decisions.

The holiday. It's been organised! It's been booked! There's a bit of mixed-up feeling, with some induced guilt attached, as unfortunately the holiday coincides with another event that had been booked as a surprise birthday gift, alors I will be unable to attend the latter, which sucks quite a bit.

But still - holiday avec friends!

Life comes and goes, it ebbs and flows. You can't have it all, but you might as well have fun with the some of it. I am very bad on little sleep and come off as crazier than I try to hide usually.

Think pobibob.

On the jukebox: Aladdin & Jasmine ~ A Whole New World

Summer Fun

Today, I have been sourcing some summer fun.

Organising is such an effort, and so very complicated. Before we even get to the booking of tickets or working out travel options, there's the initial finding out of the whos and whens can make it. Who do we include? When can we do it? Even at school, it'd take us weeks to figure out the simplest situation, spontanaeity was rare, even the odd evening out require rigorious planning. Now, spread across the country, having not met up all together since 2007, we try to conduct a conversation via a discussion thread. This form of technology is very useful, don't get me wrong, without it, we'd never get anywhere - what with crossed phone-calls and mass group texts. But at the same time, it's not the same as sitting down together and trying to figure it out that way. It's so hard to figure out a point when all people are avaliable, and when it comes down to it, inevitably it turns out to be impossible. People have plans, people have partners, people have placements, people have jobs, people have budgets, people have other holidays. There isn't more than one consecutive day where all people have free.

A group holiday is a nice idea, but when it comes down to it, it's just not feasible. Personally, I'd prefer to spend the time with the people I want to spend time with, and I'd like to be able to say - well, if you're not flexible, I'm afraid we're going to have to book it without you. Sometimes, it seems, we're just doing it for the sake of it. Sure, we'd have fun, but it wouldn't be the same as two years ago, and the lack of enthusiam is evident in certain cases.

In all honesty, it's come to the point where I just want to say - let's give it up. We can go for festivals, we can go for days out, we can go to the beach, we can go to the city, but when it comes to going on holiday, perhaps it's best that we just leave it. However, I know that the wave of disappointment, resentment and guilt felt upon making that statement would be more than it's worth.

To love an idea is to love it a little more than one should.
~Jean Rostand

On the jukebox: Wham! ~ Club Tropicana