Riding Waves

Today, I have surfed.

You know, when you're riding a wave and you get that amazing rush of excitement as it rises, high above anything you've felt before and it's gaining momentum and it's huge and you're on your surfboard and you're skimming the surface of it and you feel on top of the world - young, beautiful, popular, like anything is possible; fit to burst with happiness. And sometimes there's that swooping dip in the pit of your stomach when you feel like you might lose your balance or you get a bit of saltwater in your eye and it stings like hell and then you feel like you might just lose control and you are filled to the brim with tears of fear but then you regain stability and that feeling, that feeling right there, right now is like nothing else: it's fantastic.

But you know, at some point, that feeling will stop, you may never ride a wave that big again and the sense of reality will come crashing in all around you and you just want to forget how it will be when that massive wave of enjoyment falls, because at the moment, it's so damn good.

It's not over, it's not over, it's not over yet.

On the jukebox: Lilo & Stitch ~ Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride - coasting with the motion of the ocean

Riding Wagons

Today, I have drunk in moderation.

I dislike that staying sober is such a significant decision to make.

Why is the choice to refrain every once in a while deemed a shocking announcement, necessary to relate to a reasonable excuse as an explanation for why such an outlandish stance has been taken? I suppose it's just that it's uncommon among students, and as ever, everyone is expected to conform to the norm or else risk social shunning. Of course, everyone commends you on giving up smoking, but giving up binge drinking, what are you on some like health kick? Boring.

I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol myself, I don't have a problem with other people drinking alcohol in general. I've been drunk before, I know what it's like and I'm finding more and more that I don't like it. I know I have enough money to buy drinks, enough time to spend in bed the morning after, and enough pills and water to negate the effects of the night before. But what if I don't want to experience those consequences in the first place? What if I'd like to be aware of my surroundings and remember the good times, save my money for something that I can actually appreciate for longer than a couple of hours? I can see that part of the point is that most people don't actually enjoy spending time in dark, sweaty, noisy pits packed with people, and wouldn't dream of choosing to do so when totally sober, because it's nauseating. But if it's at a party or a pub or a barbeque, I don't mind not being completely off my face, because you know, interaction often has more satisfaction - with less friction and fewer tears - if that's the case. I can still be fun without alcohol, honest!

Plus, it makes it easier to laugh at people, and less likely that people will laugh at me.

On the jukebox: The Magnetic Fields ~ Love Is Like A Bottle Of Gin - but a bottle of gin is not like love

Closing Time

Today, I have been woken up by my body clock.

Summer signifies endings. For the past five years, that is what it has always been about. In the same way that September signifies a fresh start, Summer is the indication of everything coming to a close. End of compulsory schooling; end of sixth form; end of halls; end of university. End of friendships. And I'm thrilled that I'm doing so well, but there's always the pinches of sadness within the whirlpool of happiness. It couldn't work any other way.

It's the end.

Life is going faster than I can keep up with and suddenly it's end of term? It's all birthday, drinks, birthday, party, birthday, bbq, birthday, celebrate, one day after another constantly, without a chance to fully appreciate the moment. I'd like to stop and hold it for a bit, pin down the butterflies, gather up the fireworks and blu-tack the moments to my heart, but I think if I stand still for too long I'd just be watching it whoosh by instead and that would make me more upset.

It's the end.

I can sort of see what they mean now when they say that student years are the best ones. I don't ever plan to describe it as such, as it's been such a confusing mix of emotions, rushing throught the heights and depths of growing up at the speed of light that it's very hard to say, confidently, that it was the time of my life. But I can sort of see what they mean, now.

It's the end.

It's all going to end soon, and gosh, I'm going to miss it. Like anyone does, I already miss the moments I know I will never have again. Change is hard. It's weird and often upsetting and bound to be unsettling. But eventually, you get used to it, you accept it, and though, you know, things won't ever be the same again, you are able to move on. Because there's always something more just around the riverbend and every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. So keep swimming.

The End.

On the jukebox: Semisonic ~ Closing Time - wham! in the solar plexus

Shining Light

Today, I have been everybody.

As one is wont to do when one is feeling blue, I find myself reminiscing on days gone by. This particular trip took me back to two years ago today.

Most people get stressed about exams. Most people get sad about stuff ending and everybody hurts, sometimes. I am everybody. And while, yes, I am upset at the moment, it will pass. And in the midst of my temporary sadness, that fact is a shining light. I am happy. Life is good.

Maybe if everyone who is drowning holds hands we can all make it back to the shore

I am not a one in four, anymore.

On the jukebox: Spiderbait ~ Sunshine On My Window