Think Tank

Today, I have the internet.

I don't talk to myself. I write to myself, which is only worse because there's a record of it. I've been very tired this week, but I've also had a lot of time to think. However, life is more than just thinking about things, sometimes you need to do something instead.

I really want to like, go out there and join something. It's not really for my CV, to be honest, although obviously, it's good to show you have other interests etc, but I want to do this for me. To meet new people, to actually do an activity that doesn't involve being on the computer constantly. I want to have hobbies, interests, stories to tell, even if they're not as exciting as we went to this gig and she pulled this guy and then he pulled this guy and you'll never guess what, the dude was actually a chick...or something cool like that.

So I went to the societies fair. I gave a cursory glance to the knitting stall, not quite brave enough to approach and admit that I want to learn to knit, I truly do. To wear something or give something and be like, yes, I made that, and not everyone can do that. Because I'm not a terribly creative person, I chose to study science, after all. But I think this is something I could do. And the photo society too, but I feel like I should be better than I am at photography - when you say you work for a photography company, people expect you to be amazing, I mean, anyone can take a photo these days, what makes you so special? And I'm not. I can catch the odd candid, but I know feck all about appropriate iso and f/stops. And being scientifically inclined, that should be the bit I'm good at, right? So when it comes to like, striking landscape and terrific travel photography, well, that's just not me. Getting the lighting right? I dunno, I'm mainly just a dogsbody who makes the tea. Milk and sugar?

Speaking of photography, how impressive do fire poi pictures look? Très awesome, that is the answer, if you can do it properly. So I spoke to the girl at that stand as well, she offered me a staff to have a go and I was like, no way, I've never even tried it before. But if you join, you can go along and see how to do all the juggling and whizzing and whirling and twirling and there's people to help. I'm clumsy, and not awfully dexterous though, I think I wouldn't be very good at it.

I'm too scared and I hate not being good at stuff. I also want to go to dance classes, but I don't have my tap shoes here, or my SLR, or a friend to go along with and I know you'll say I'll make friends there, well of course I will, but still, it's the effort and everything and it's so easy to just be like, well, I'm working long lab days now, so do I really have the time or the energy? Of course I should focus on my work, yes, I didn't do three years of an undergraduate degree to just throw it away for a chance to fling some fire around or fiddle with photoshop, right? And so you'll say, yes, but you need a life outside of work, right? And sometimes these kind of experiences can be far more valuable in the long term. Well yes, but I'm scared and when you're scared, it's so easy to just stand still in fright like a petrified rabbit, because if you try to cross over the road, you might just die. But then again, if you try to leap, you might just make it.

I'm not sure that analogy even makes sense. But when did they ever? Someone, please, tell me what to do because I spent all of last night stuck in the metaphorical middle of two girls who are in love, unrequitedly, with the same boy and oh gosh, spending a sober evening having each of my ears successively gnawed off by these ridiculous females inbetween being unwillingly groped by old men is enough to drive a girl to drink.

I need an alternative distraction.

On the jukebox: Peter Grant ~ Windmills Of Your Mind

Ripe Apples

Today, I have itchy feet.

After 15 weeks,
over 3000 miles up and down and all across the UK,
I am going back to where I began.

I still haven't packed properly.
But I do have a new toothbrush.

There's no place like home.
*click*

On the jukebox: Alisha's Attic ~ I Am, I Feel

Ruby Slippers

Today, I have worn old shoes.

New shoes are only new the first time you wear them. After that, even though they still look and feel so good, they're not so exciting any more and just become another pair that you wear from time to time. Some shoes are only really good for playing tennis, or going to parties, or walking to work, or chillin' out around the house. But you still need those shoes. Sometimes, shoes will give you blisters, but they are connected to some of the best times- you can have a lot of fun in shoes like those. Sometimes, new shoes become the shoes you will regulary wear, because they just fit, so easily, so cinderellary. New shoes will become old shoes eventually, or else they are left to yesterdays; sold on ebay; given away. I tend to choose to hold on to old shoes, partly because I can't afford to buy a new pair everytime I get bored, but also because I so rarely find a pair of shoes that fits comfortably - albeit not perfectly - that I like to make sure I keep them if I do.

It's hard to just put a lid on eighteen months, or three years, or half a decade. To shut it down, pack it in a box, turn around and say, no, no, I won't think of you any more. Because I do think of you and I do think too much. It's not something that it's possible to just switch off. And I think, there's a little, irrational part of me that believes I can't live without you. And I think, there's a large, sensible part of me that knows that's not true.

Logic wins out in the end.

Follow the yellow brick road

On the jukebox: Wicked ~ I'm Not That Girl - don't wish, don't start

Perpetual Nomad

Today, I have packed.

I am the eternal traveller. I move with the seasons, never staying in one place for more than three months at a time. Britain is brilliant, and I have experienced more of it than ever before this summer - roaming from Land's End to Scotland with many stops in between - my city visits of the past few months sound like I plucked them straight out of the Sunday Times Good University Guide: Bristol, Bath, Oxford, Warwick, Nottingham and beyond. I've been to three of the four capitals of the UK, to the beach, on a plane, in a tent, on a boat, to see buildings, to see bridges, to see sights, to see shops. Life is dandy.

It's been wonderful, it really has and I've been able to spend time with many friends along the way. But juggling so many different activities, spending days with all these distinct groups and individuals, means I've barely had time to pause for a moment; too tired to think. On the hours in which I've had a second to spare I inenvitably waste it, spaced out on the computer or lying in the sun, which is not always a bad thing, I suppose, but sometimes I wish I had a bit more time to focus, you know? Honestly, what will become of me?

I feel a little like I'm losing touch with reality, I've got a heavy heart and an anxious mind. Saturday is the last day of my current occupation. Monday, I start anew in a fresh house in a familiar city. That's one day to gather together my drifting thoughts, sift through scattered belongings and haphazardly stuff them into the trusty transporter to start yet another trip along one of the many motorways of this country. One day to reflect on the season past; one day to ponder the ones to come; one day to worry about the next chapter of my life as it stands.

I don't think one day is enough.

On the jukebox: Nelly Furtado ~ All Good Things - I'm like a bird.

Am Be

Today, I have woken up.

Somethin' filled up
my heart with nothin',
someone told me not to cry.



But now that I'm older,
my heart's colder,
and I can see that it's a lie.



I guess we'll just have to adjust.

On the jukebox: Arcade Fire ~ Rebellion (Lies)

Tea Time

Today, I have had a cup of tea.

"when did everyone suddenly become obsessed with drinking tea?!"

Not 'til student days did drinking tea become habitual for me. Prior to then, I remember clearly one of my first trips into tea sips on a freezing cold, wet and dreary day out. I don't like chocolate - a cup of hot cocoa was never going to be an option - so I had some tea to warm me up. I wasn't overly enamoured with the stuff, but then it did come from a machine - grey, bitty, lukewarm liquid in a polystyrene cup - so perhaps not the best start.

Once at uni, tea-drinking was to the daytime as alcohol-drinking was to the night. That is, there was the potential to find yourself left out without a mug in hand, or alternatively, a part of a fabulous group of friends purely based on the fact that you shared hot water from the same kettle. It was a bonding thing, to make a cup of tea was to make people like you. And since I was Queen of Mugs and Chief Milk Provider, I was quite popular with the tea-drinkers. We'd sit and sip and chat and share and watch banal daytime TV as if we had nothing better to do, which in actuality is not so far from the truth, we were students after all...

Do you care for tea?

Why yes, I'm very fond of tea

So yes, it's tea all the way. Milk, no sugar, thanks. Ordinary or Earl Grey, preferably, sometimes Green, White or Chamomile in the evening - too much caffeine makes me jittery and aids insomnia. No biscuits, no chocolate wafers, no jam & bread. Just tea will do me. Tea's comforting. Tea's wonderful. I love the Tea. (and the jewellry...)

it's always tea time

On the jukebox: Arcade Fire ~ Wake Up

Geek Girl

Today, I have sourced scientific artefacts.

I am not cool.

I am not cool. Conversing with people on the internet is not a cool thing to do. Insightful, interesting, and thought-provoking, yes, but not cool. Science is not cool. Intellectual, innovative and incredibly useful, yes, but not cool. Teetotal is not cool and drinking alcohol in moderation is disobeying the social commandment of students. I prefer photoshop to painting; I prefer books to tv; I prefer writing to talking.

I am weird, I am geeky, I am quirky, I am special. I am the kind of person who makes a periodic table out of post-it notes or knows pi to eight decimal places, I am the type of person who spends a free morning looking at chemistry-based jewellery or trying out different ways to wear a lab coat.

Sometimes I pretend to be cool for the hell of it, and hey, sometimes I get away with it. But really, pretending to be cool is just another way of being weird. And to be honest, I'm quite alright with that.

Girl, 21: charming but insane

On the jukebox: Tom Lehrer ~ The Elements Song