XX III

It is a fact I am wont to forget, that while life at the moment has its downsides, at least I do not have to revise. I do not have to write a 40-60 page dissertation. I do not have to perform a 15 minute presentation. I do not have to pretend to read 75+ scientific papers. I do not have to spend 9 hours a day skipping between 2 windowless laboratories and a dingy computer room. I do not have to demonstrate my knowledge from the last 4 years to 3 strangers in 20 minutes. I do not have to sit in silence for 3 hours and answer 5 out of 6 questions. This is the first time in over 7 years that I do not have formal summer examinations. 

I wish good luck to those who still do. 

It's a beautiful birthday*

Flitterbox: The Little Mermaid ~ Under The Sea

*apart from the fact that blogger deleted this entry, so I had to type it all out again from memory. Grr.

Six Months

I miss my sis. 

A happy new year, please.

Flitterbox: Bill Withers ~ Aint No Sunshine 

Bleak Midwinter

It has been over six months since I discovered my degree result. 

I am looking at the graduate opportunities in New Scientist and I can’t convince myself that I am capable of any of the proposed careers. I narrowly escaped failing my Masters project. I mean, actually failing, not just scraping by on less than a second class degree. So how could I possibly believe that I could achieve in a scientific-based job, or anything else, for that matter? I honestly do not consider myself good enough and so the thought of merely applying chills me to the bones and increases my heart rate to an alarming level.

So, I stick my head in the sand.

Snow Patrol

I'm snow excited.

I have got packing down to a fine art...well, almost. I still do the panic shove-it-in-just-case part ("...what if I can't live without this particular pair of leggings for three whole days!?"), but I'm getting better. This is what comes from flitting away every other week or fortnight or so. I am set up for an awesome couple of months, with music and mates and staying out late and other such stuff that I've been so bereft of lately. Snow or no snow, I are go, whatever the weather and I'm crossing all my fingers for no travel disruptions and smooth operations. It's pretty but when all your friends and things live so far away and you're planning trips that cost a fair bit of money and effort, you kind of hope that a bit of frozen water doesn't completely devastate your endeavours. In contrast with last weekend, once I arrive, I'll be spending most of the time in a cosy countryside manor, with mulled wine and mince pies and piano-playing and a three course "rustic autumn" themed meal which sounds absolutely wonderful and all home-made so that's fantastic. We'll meet, we'll reminisce, we'll hug and maybe we'll kiss and that'll open up a whole other can of fish. Delish.

Who knows? Let it go its own way. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Flitterbox: David Bowie ~ Let's Dance

Blackberry Picking

Today, I have felt the fall chill.

It's coming to the end of summer. Start of September, you know the drill. Except, except, this year it's different. This year, for the first time in eighteen years, I will not be going back to full time education. This year, for the first time in over twenty-two years, I have no planned out path for my immediate future.

It scares the hell out of me.

Mascara Tears

Today, I have been blue.

Where to start?

Blue Monday is the last Monday is January, hyped up by the media as the most depressing day of the year, for a variety of reasons. I can see the sentiment, my first Monday back at work is monotonous and dull, I feel like I am getting nowhere and I am directly asked why exactly I have chosen to be here? Honestly, I wonder that myself, every single day.

Tuesday followed, in which the fact that I despise my daily occupation is reinforced. Next comes the day that shall henceforth be known as Acid Wednesday, in which I manage to burn my forehead with concentrated sulfuric acid and again, reaffirm the fact that I am a complete incompetent idiot. I have a restless night due to kneeache and a drunk dialler. Then Thursday, well, it's an oral assessment, in which I fail to demonstrate my knowledge of even the most simple concepts and compounds that I have been studying for the past three months. Friday arrives, at last, and the dip improves when I am asked to aid a person in a senior position as my experiments have succeeded where his have failed, so how about I try to explain to him what I'm doing right? That would be fine, if I knew how or why what I was doing does actually work, and if it was consistent in doing so.

This has not been a good week. I haven't slept well, I haven't performed well, and I feel awful about well, a lot of things. It's been a bad month, January often is. But come Monday, both a new week and a new month begins and I can sweep the time and trials that have passed under the carpet and start afresh.

Tonight, I am having an early night. Tomorrow, I'm going shopping.

On the jukebox: Ok Go ~ Here It Goes Again

Christmas Time

Today, I have wrapped.

I'm not sure where we are. And that's how I like things. At least for the moment. It's good.

I know I need to work. I will do. Revision starts in 2010.

I love my friends. And I suppose, it will come a point, where we will only see each other once a year or less. But there will always be the memories and the history. It's great.

I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm stressed. But I'm also having the time of my life. My mind is filled with the here and now and the now is Christmas.

It's Christmas. It's family. It's suspended reality. It's the small things that matter the most.

I'm happy and healthy and I hope that you are too, because health and happiness are all there's good to wish for. That, and a trip to Paris. But one can dream, eh?

Merry Christmas, everyone.

On the jukebox: A Muppet Christmas Carol ~ It Feels Like Christmas

Winter Wonderings

Today, I have come home for Christmas.

Motorways are boring. They allow a lot of time for absent-minded thought. The many junction stretch that takes me from one town to the other is a journey I've done countless times over the past forty months.

So I've done a lot of thinking.

The distance from South East Asia to the UK is large and a year is a long time. There are no phones in the jungle and there are no flights that are less than an extortionate amount. And I know it'll be an amazing experience, but I'll miss you, you know. Six thousand miles is very far...

The distance from this 'shire to that 'shire is less far. But it's still a long way and when there's the option of "coming 'round to mine" being a two minute walk rather than a three and a half hour train journey, it's awfully tempting to try for the former choice. It's the less definite opportunity and yet, it's the more appealing one. I want the holding hands and walking in a winter wonderland and mistletoe kisses. I want the being made a fuss of and the sharing experiences and the meaningful conversations and the private jokes and the classic enviable image of a young couple at christmastime. I want all that. Just not with the person I can have it with and especially if that person is not nearby for most of the time.

The distance from the city centre to the house in the small town on the outskirts is negligible compared with the previous two examples. It's hardly worth making a fuss about. But when you've gotten so used to living in the same abode as your best friends, and less than a couple of kilometres away from the rest of them, when you're used to the fact that you work with people of a similar age to you every day, it's awfully frustrating to come back to living in a place where every friend is a car drive apart and just a brief catch-up with some old chums requires rigorous organisation.

It feels like I'm living on borrowed moments and briefly snatched chances. There's not enough hours to get to know people before you have to pack up and leave again. I want more time and less distance. As always, life is travelling at the speed of sound and I need a moment to wait a while and draw it all in. But there's just no room for that.

It must be christmas time.

On the jukebox: The Pretenders ~ 2000 miles - sometimes, in a dream, you appear

Perpetual Nomad

Today, I have packed.

I am the eternal traveller. I move with the seasons, never staying in one place for more than three months at a time. Britain is brilliant, and I have experienced more of it than ever before this summer - roaming from Land's End to Scotland with many stops in between - my city visits of the past few months sound like I plucked them straight out of the Sunday Times Good University Guide: Bristol, Bath, Oxford, Warwick, Nottingham and beyond. I've been to three of the four capitals of the UK, to the beach, on a plane, in a tent, on a boat, to see buildings, to see bridges, to see sights, to see shops. Life is dandy.

It's been wonderful, it really has and I've been able to spend time with many friends along the way. But juggling so many different activities, spending days with all these distinct groups and individuals, means I've barely had time to pause for a moment; too tired to think. On the hours in which I've had a second to spare I inenvitably waste it, spaced out on the computer or lying in the sun, which is not always a bad thing, I suppose, but sometimes I wish I had a bit more time to focus, you know? Honestly, what will become of me?

I feel a little like I'm losing touch with reality, I've got a heavy heart and an anxious mind. Saturday is the last day of my current occupation. Monday, I start anew in a fresh house in a familiar city. That's one day to gather together my drifting thoughts, sift through scattered belongings and haphazardly stuff them into the trusty transporter to start yet another trip along one of the many motorways of this country. One day to reflect on the season past; one day to ponder the ones to come; one day to worry about the next chapter of my life as it stands.

I don't think one day is enough.

On the jukebox: Nelly Furtado ~ All Good Things - I'm like a bird.

Closing Time

Today, I have been woken up by my body clock.

Summer signifies endings. For the past five years, that is what it has always been about. In the same way that September signifies a fresh start, Summer is the indication of everything coming to a close. End of compulsory schooling; end of sixth form; end of halls; end of university. End of friendships. And I'm thrilled that I'm doing so well, but there's always the pinches of sadness within the whirlpool of happiness. It couldn't work any other way.

It's the end.

Life is going faster than I can keep up with and suddenly it's end of term? It's all birthday, drinks, birthday, party, birthday, bbq, birthday, celebrate, one day after another constantly, without a chance to fully appreciate the moment. I'd like to stop and hold it for a bit, pin down the butterflies, gather up the fireworks and blu-tack the moments to my heart, but I think if I stand still for too long I'd just be watching it whoosh by instead and that would make me more upset.

It's the end.

I can sort of see what they mean now when they say that student years are the best ones. I don't ever plan to describe it as such, as it's been such a confusing mix of emotions, rushing throught the heights and depths of growing up at the speed of light that it's very hard to say, confidently, that it was the time of my life. But I can sort of see what they mean, now.

It's the end.

It's all going to end soon, and gosh, I'm going to miss it. Like anyone does, I already miss the moments I know I will never have again. Change is hard. It's weird and often upsetting and bound to be unsettling. But eventually, you get used to it, you accept it, and though, you know, things won't ever be the same again, you are able to move on. Because there's always something more just around the riverbend and every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. So keep swimming.

The End.

On the jukebox: Semisonic ~ Closing Time - wham! in the solar plexus

Golden Curls

Today, I have flip-flop blisters.

I turn twenty-one in twenty-one days.

I'm not eating properly, I'm not sleeping well.
I feel in a bit of a daze.

The last of the autumn leaves have been swept away.

Exams start in a month.

On the jukebox: The Kinks ~ Sunny Afternoon

Winter Daze

Today, I have woken up in the dark.

Out at dawn, in at dusk. A far cry from those summer ni-ights, when it'd be the opposite situation. Bright, breezy and bitterly cold, but no precipitation, which was good.

Fresh air, a litre of water and a warm night's sleep set me up for a successful study stint. It's best not to discuss with my peers exactly how much was achieved, because it's not cool or polite or PC or whatever the reason, we don't like to flaunt how much work we've actually done and instead lament the fact that the day has been spent with Meredith Grey and her anatomy. I guess maybe if we fail we won't feel so bad that way.

I walked home in the twilight; winter sunsets are wonderful. There was post with my name on it. Photographs and poetry make me smile a secret smile and stickers are my favourite.

On the jukebox: Snow Patrol ~ Take Back The City

Autumn Leaves

I'm sad.

It's end of term and I'm alone.

It has been a really great term.

I'm happy.

Merry Christmas!

On the jukebox: The Boy Least Likely To ~ The First Snowflake

September Start

Today, I have been full of anticipation.

It was obvious that Summer was on its heels at the mere mention of September. The end of August is a sign that the sun should retreat behind its cosy cloud haven and leave Britain with only memories of jolly sunnidays.

However, the end of the summer brings more than the end of sun. The start of school, the return to studentville, of living in the bizarre little world where all is incomprehensible before it occurs, normal as it happens, but odd to reminisce upon. I wouldn't want to miss out on being a student, it has provided me with many experiences that I'll never forget; opportunities I'll never regret.

University, for lots of people, is more about the overall learning experience than the academic one. Never again will we be so carefree in everything we do. There are so many things you can get away with as a student that just wouldn't be acceptable in The Real World. Yes, many students have it relatively easy compared to much of society and while there's been a lot of fun, there's been a lot worse than that, too.

September is a time for a fresh start, the beginning of this month has been unofficial New Year for as long as I recall. The start to a new school semester calls for a rethink of habits, a reassesment of behaviour, and a resolved mindset to follow through into the next academic year. Currently, I am feeling more positive about the beginning of term than I have done for a long time.

I just hope this attitude can last through the rainy days.

On the jukebox: Jack Johnson ~ Do You Remember

Summer Scenery

Today, I have let go of an old companion.



What is this life if, full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs
And stare as long as sheep or cows.




No time to see, when woods we pass,
Where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.



No time to see, in broad daylight,
Streams full of stars, like skies at night.



No time to turn at Beauty's glance,
And watch her feet, how they can dance.



No time to wait till her mouth can
Enrich that smile her eyes began.



A poor life this is if, full of care,



We have no time to stand and stare.



Farewell Fujifilm Finepix F11. You have served me well.
August 2006 - July 2008
RIP

On the jukebox: One Republic ~ Stop and Stare

Seasonal Sunshine

Today, I have felt the sun of spring.

Daffodowndilly

She wore her yellow sun-bonnet,

She wore her greenest gown;

She turned to the south wind

And curtsied up and down.

She turned to the sunlight

And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbour:

"Winter is dead".

A. A. Milne

The Equinox has passed; the clocks have been put forward; the days are getting much lighter; hibernation is over.

It's official. Spring 2008 is here. And so am I.

On the jukebox: The Temptations ~ My Girl

Spring Zing

Today, I have seen the beginnings of Springings.

Spring is sprung,
De grass is riz,
I wonder where dem birdies is?
De little birds is on de wing,
Ain’t dat absurd?
De little wing is on de bird!

Lighter days...Warmer days...Happier days...

There are only four seasons, so as much as you'd like to be, you can never be unique in your preference (though considering I have about four readers, maybe you could be the odd one out...)
Here comes the thought-provoking thought process - what's your favourite season? I say Spring. The sense of a fresh start, spring clean of old thoughts, perhaps?

Winter can be hugely depressing. Summer seems like a snatch of warm weather that is always built up to be more enjoyable with more expectations than ever transpire. Autumn is the start of a new academic year and while I love the leaves and trees, it is a reminder that Winter is around the corner.

Spring, spring brings hope. Spring starts the lingering sunny days: a subtle suggestion that, hey, maybe life aint so bad after all; a little anticipation that hey, maybe things will turn out alright...

On the jukebox: The Beatles ~ Here Comes The Sun

February Febreze

Today, I have seen in the new month.

White rabbits, white rabbits, white rabbits.

New month, new start? That's what I said last month. (Except last month it was new year and new month, so an even bigger occasion...) January has been long. January has been dark. The fourth Monday in January is often cited as "the worst day of the year" for reasons that can be easily deduced. January has produced over forty entries of my day-to-day life. I am glad to see the back of January.

Yet why should we be waiting to make a better beginning, always? Why hold out for a defined point? I suppose it gives a opportunity for a standard measured comparision. I am holding out for the end of this week, not just because it brings the weekend, a slice of respite, but also because it holds the hope for a fresh start. So that I can look back at Feburary and say, hey, that was a successful month.

It's not always easy to see the bigger picture, and so perhaps in this case, it's better to take things day by day. Start as you mean to go on, by all means, but don't stop if you slip from what you started. So that I can look back at Today, and say, hey, that was a good day. So that I can look forward to Tomorrow and say, hey, I can make it a great day.

Here's to February, and all that it brings - birthdays, better days, love days and laughter days.

The days are getting lighter and spring is on its way.

On the jukebox: Josh Groban ~ February Song