It has been over six months since I discovered my degree result.
I am looking at the graduate opportunities in New Scientist and I can’t convince myself that I am capable of any of the proposed careers. I narrowly escaped failing my Masters project. I mean, actually failing, not just scraping by on less than a second class degree. So how could I possibly believe that I could achieve in a scientific-based job, or anything else, for that matter? I honestly do not consider myself good enough and so the thought of merely applying chills me to the bones and increases my heart rate to an alarming level.
So, I stick my head in the sand.
On the surface, life is pretty good at the moment. I live in a warm, comfortable, pleasant enough environment, where I have access to all the food, water, heating, and transport that I require. I have reconnected with gold friends and kept up with the silver ones; I even manage to have the odd social engagement or phone conversation. I exercise on a regular basis, I’m reading more and I often get a full night of restful sleep. It’s more than anyone could hope for and I’m not saying I’m not happy with it, but I want more…
I want to be where the people are, I wanna see, wanna see ‘em dancing. Or you know, working, living, learning and loving it. Life is lonely, most of the time; it’s me, a computer, a canine and a cup of tea. My main source of interesting discussion is the radio presenters; my primary form of physical affection and attention comes from the furry companions. It’s disheartening, sometimes.
The bigger picture never fails to demonstrate that, all factors considered, I should be very grateful, that things aren’t so bad. I am grateful and I know, I need to get a grip, because I am far, far from the worst situation it could be. But at the same time, I am entitled to feel down, sometimes. My experiences of final year still haunt me in a way I don’t tend to mention, because after six months or so, I really should have got over it by now. I should stop harking on about the past and focus towards the future, have faith in my ability, not necessarily as a scientist, but as an intelligent woman, with skills and talents that lie beyond being able to use a pipette correctly.
But sometimes, I can’t convince myself I am capable of anything.
So, I stick my head in the snow.
Flitterbox: Stereophonics ~ Maybe Tomorrow
Tell me about it.
ReplyDeleteAs I wait for the final job to get back to me, no doubt with another rejection, I've realised quite how much I miss the mental stimulus of having things to do in the day.
Stupid stupid stupid economy, stupid government, stupid life.
As you can see, I'm not exactly full of Christmas cheer either.
I've said something similar before, but it's six years since I found out mine. Do not get to my position, but there's a looooonnngggg way to go.
ReplyDeleteGetting affected by not being (insert number) of steps up the ladder already will be massively detrimental to you even approaching said ladder.
It might also panic you realising, "Oh, shit. There's loads of ladders here, which one do I climb?"
More telling yourself you're an intelligent woman, with skills and talents - it will make you think about what you can do. Less spending time in a panic about what you should be doing and what you can't do. It eats up valuable time cultivating the confidence to apply for jobs you could probably get if those utter twats in your final year hadn't done such a number on your confidence. I can tell you a place they can shove THEIR pipettes.
It's not going to be instant, but you'll get there, and you'll do a damn sight better than I have. Just stop stressing that you haven't done it today, despite the fact it's bloody Christmas.
Also. I have empathy for the isolationfrustrationnation. I live in the middle of bloody nowhere and don't have a car. Do you? Get on it. then can I have a lift to town? Thanks.
Oh. And people always want more. More of anything. Even when they have it.
See, I have mugs that can have tea already.
But I still knew I NEEDED this:
http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y117/suffice1/IMG_1130.jpg
Coming from someone who knows full well how easy it is to say and how hard it is to do. From someone who fails to practice what he preaches and looks forward to saying something similar on future blogs of yours that do the same:
STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT!
Well-intentioned hypocrisy for the win!
Also, do not stop posting pictures of your dog. Dog makes my heart happy.