Think Tank

Today, I have the internet.

I don't talk to myself. I write to myself, which is only worse because there's a record of it. I've been very tired this week, but I've also had a lot of time to think. However, life is more than just thinking about things, sometimes you need to do something instead.

I really want to like, go out there and join something. It's not really for my CV, to be honest, although obviously, it's good to show you have other interests etc, but I want to do this for me. To meet new people, to actually do an activity that doesn't involve being on the computer constantly. I want to have hobbies, interests, stories to tell, even if they're not as exciting as we went to this gig and she pulled this guy and then he pulled this guy and you'll never guess what, the dude was actually a chick...or something cool like that.

So I went to the societies fair. I gave a cursory glance to the knitting stall, not quite brave enough to approach and admit that I want to learn to knit, I truly do. To wear something or give something and be like, yes, I made that, and not everyone can do that. Because I'm not a terribly creative person, I chose to study science, after all. But I think this is something I could do. And the photo society too, but I feel like I should be better than I am at photography - when you say you work for a photography company, people expect you to be amazing, I mean, anyone can take a photo these days, what makes you so special? And I'm not. I can catch the odd candid, but I know feck all about appropriate iso and f/stops. And being scientifically inclined, that should be the bit I'm good at, right? So when it comes to like, striking landscape and terrific travel photography, well, that's just not me. Getting the lighting right? I dunno, I'm mainly just a dogsbody who makes the tea. Milk and sugar?

Speaking of photography, how impressive do fire poi pictures look? Très awesome, that is the answer, if you can do it properly. So I spoke to the girl at that stand as well, she offered me a staff to have a go and I was like, no way, I've never even tried it before. But if you join, you can go along and see how to do all the juggling and whizzing and whirling and twirling and there's people to help. I'm clumsy, and not awfully dexterous though, I think I wouldn't be very good at it.

I'm too scared and I hate not being good at stuff. I also want to go to dance classes, but I don't have my tap shoes here, or my SLR, or a friend to go along with and I know you'll say I'll make friends there, well of course I will, but still, it's the effort and everything and it's so easy to just be like, well, I'm working long lab days now, so do I really have the time or the energy? Of course I should focus on my work, yes, I didn't do three years of an undergraduate degree to just throw it away for a chance to fling some fire around or fiddle with photoshop, right? And so you'll say, yes, but you need a life outside of work, right? And sometimes these kind of experiences can be far more valuable in the long term. Well yes, but I'm scared and when you're scared, it's so easy to just stand still in fright like a petrified rabbit, because if you try to cross over the road, you might just die. But then again, if you try to leap, you might just make it.

I'm not sure that analogy even makes sense. But when did they ever? Someone, please, tell me what to do because I spent all of last night stuck in the metaphorical middle of two girls who are in love, unrequitedly, with the same boy and oh gosh, spending a sober evening having each of my ears successively gnawed off by these ridiculous females inbetween being unwillingly groped by old men is enough to drive a girl to drink.

I need an alternative distraction.

On the jukebox: Peter Grant ~ Windmills Of Your Mind