Big Sis

Today, I have been the older sibling.

I often adopt the big sister role. I don't know how to play it any other way. I have younger siblings and I have always been the mature, responsible, head-screwed-on one. But my part in this act extends beyond family boundaries. Among friends, I am the look-afterer, the listener, the one who holds your hair back while you're sick in a bucket, the one who you tell when you start smoking, or self-harming, or when you don't know what to do about a boy.

I've never had an older sister, a female role model that is just a few steps ahead. I never know where to go for advice because I'm the one who dishes it out. I don't know how to be vunerable because I am never allowed to be, it would ruin the natural heirarchy and people would lose that sense of security in the order of play as it's always been. The big sister is supposed to know what to do and what to say and how to solve all these problems. The big sister is supposed to be on your side, a guide to the right path to take, 'cause you know, mum and dad just don't get it. I feel like a fool if I admit to feeling less than adequate sometimes, that I'm not up to the job bestowed on me. That I can't stop you feeling like that, that I can't find the words to explain why it's not a good idea, because if I can't convince myself, how am I supposed to expect you to understand?

So, although I don't like to admit it, I like it when you take care of me. I know I am more than capable, eventually, I'd find my own way, but sometimes, it's nice to have someone else take control, to have someone to look out for you, to protect you, to make fun of you when you're being stupid and naïve. Most of the time, I don't mind being the older sister, it makes me pleased to know people feel comfortable confiding in me, that I'm there to lend an ear if they need it.

All I ask is that there's someone like that for me, too.

On the jukebox: The Long Blondes ~ Once and Never Again