Today, I have had my last ever written academic examination.
I want to be positive. I want to believe that I have done enough thus far to enable me to attain the degree class of which I am more than capable. I want to know that I made the right choice, that I am a chemistry student, that there's not something to which I would have been better suited.
I want this to be the case. However, the last of my confidence in my ability is rapidly trickling away as the clock ticks on. I know, it won't be the worst thing in the world if I drop an entire grade. I know, that it's okay that I'm not anywhere near the top, because I am not your typical scientist, really. I know, it's okay and life is not a competition and I excel in other areas that can't be measured by putting pen to paper.
However, I also know that I haven't put the effort in. I know that I could do better. I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am annoyed that I didn't achieve my potential.
I really hate being the thick one.
I've spent the last year largely surrounded by people who are either currently carrying out their postgraduate degree or due to start one imminently and most of them actually enjoy chemistry. When you're in that kind of environment, your views of what is normal become somewhat skewed and you tend to get kind of blasé about the whole PhD deal, seeing as that is the standard qualification of those with whom you spend much of your time. However, the fact is: most people in the world don't have a Dr. in front of their name and funnily enough, it doesn't meant they are any less intelligent.
I am not stupid. So maybe, I don't dress or act the same way as all of you, maybe I don't have the same enthusiasm about molecules or reactions, maybe I have a tendency towards verbose, elaborate use of language rather than stark succinctness of scientific explanation, maybe I'm not completely confident about what I do know or why I'm doing this degree. Maybe I'm unwarrantably arrogant and incredibly annoying sometimes. Maybe I am kind of odd.
But I am not stupid.
On the jukebox: Avril Lavigne ~ Anything but Ordinary
Try being somebody who thinks an academic examination involves a pair of rubber gloves.
ReplyDeleteI can't find anything more true to how I feel at the moment. I'm not one of the academics; I won't be there next year with my friends as they all graduate, and perhaps I'm never going to be able to show myself in that way, or really be proud of myself for achieving. And I'm not stupid, either.
ReplyDeleteBe proud of what you have achieved, for it has been hard gained, and look to the future - being who you want to be, and working things out along the way. No-one expects you to have all the answers yet.
You are not stupid. You are also probably working alongside some incredibly intelligent people which, as you say, skews your perspective a bit. Being the daughter of an academic has also led to me being pretty blasé about the whole Dr/Professor thing. Yes, my dad's been successful in his field and has a title to show for it, but a plumber of the same age will likely have been equally as successful, and I know who I'd choose to fix a broken boiler in the middle of winter!
ReplyDeleteAlso, the longer you spend in the 'real world', the less academic qualifications will matter and the more you as a person will matter. That's what I have to keep telling myself, and while it scares me shitless because it's unknown, there's a side of me which is really looking forward to feeling worth more than some numbers on a piece of paper.
At least you didn't study something like Art History, Dance or Philosophy which will/would contribute nothing that useful to the world, although there were more practical paths you could have gone down.
ReplyDeleteStop thinking as much.
Trouble is, sometimes, I just can't switch myself off.
ReplyDeleteI look like an arts student, apparently, a second year at that. And if I don't go into the field I did my degree in, doesn't that make it as worthless as if I had done a degree in thinking (/philosophy)? S'all about the "transferable skills", I suppose.
Ironically, much of my academic assessment of this year did in fact involve rubber gloves ;)
I used to talk to somebody who studied Archaeology (they were taught by a person who was on Time Team - Carenza Lewis) and they admitted they were not going to pursue a career in that field afterwards. It happens. My best friend's brother stuck at Uni for year upon year upon year merely because he did not want to even find a job or leave that particular world.
ReplyDeleteA blog probably isn't the best way to switch off, to be frank. Not that I am encouraging anything.
I like rubber gloves.