Perpetually Petrified

Today, I have felt like a failure.

I'm so near the end. So close. Two weeks, in terms of time. Three assessments, in terms of work. So you can tell me that it'll be fine and it'll all be over soon and that's great, thanks, but it's not much of a comfort, not really.

I have hated this project. I think I pretty much gave up in January. I know it's supposed to be about independent learning and all, but I am the only person I know who didn't get a postgraduate supervisor specifically assigned to me in the lab; I  didn't get told what I was supposed to be doing, or how to go about achieving set objectives. I didn't have aims for my project, because "this is research, it could go in any direction you want it to." That would be fine, if I was doing a PhD. I'd have a while to figure out my approach, to take my research in the route I preferred, with discussion and collaboration from peers and superiors, of course. But I'm not doing a postgraduate degree. I'm still an undergraduate. I haven't chosen to devote three or four years of my life to this research, I've chosen to do a project for six months, having had no experience of life in a lab previously. I'm not being funded to further my career; I'm funding YOU to teach me. And you're not doing your job.

So, I come to the end and I realise I have nothing. Every time I went to see my supervisors, I felt so small. I came out wanting to cry, every time. Not because they were nasty, particularly, but because I was in way over my head, and they expected me to do and know all these things that I just know weren't asked of my peers. I couldn't ask questions because however much I tried, there was always more I could have done, more I should already know. I couldn't ask what to do next, because somehow, that was up to me to figure out what to do, make suggestions, carry them out. How, exactly?! They never arranged a meeting with me, it was always me requesting an audience with  them. And why would I choose to see them, when they made me feel so worthless? Neither of them really knew what I was up to on a daily, or even weekly basis. I just felt completely as if they didn't care, or thought I was too thick to properly understand anything.

I am not stupid. I have been made to feel dumb on many occasions throughout the course of my degree, not helped by the fact that my two best friends just happen to be two of the highest achievers in the year. But I am not stupid. I am clever enough to study chemistry; I am competent enough to do practical work. I achieved a first every year in my laboratory modules and while that is partly due to the farcical university grading system, it's got to count for something, right? I can write. My English is excellent, especially considering I'm a science student. If I'd had a better project, I could have aced this year.

But I haven't performed well at all. The project isn't only to blame, of course. There's been distractions, too - boys, mainly. I haven't reached my potential and I'm disappointed in myself. I really want to just not care at all anymore, but I stopped caring about three months ago, and now, it shows. I have to do a presentation next week on work I haven't done. I am going to be ripped to shreds by a couple of people in my lab because boys think it's big and clever to put down other people in order to make themselves feel better. I have an exam the week after and a viva voce will conclude my chemistry degree. I can predict now, I will come out of that feeling completely useless, the last of my confidence ebbed away as my supervisors refuse to acknowledge that they could have had any part to play in my lack of engagement in this project and so pull me to pieces instead. I won't be able to relax or celebrate as I am genuinely terrified that I'll end up with a degree class at the end of this year which will make it seem like my prouder achievements in the rest of the course were a complete waste of time. I am not stupid.

I'm so near the end. So you can tell me that it'll be fine and it'll all be over soon and that's great, thanks, but it's not much of a comfort, not really. Because all I'm doing is thinking over how awful these last few months have been and how I don't have anything better to look forward to, and to be honest, that's what scares me most of all.

On the jukebox: The Boy Least Likely To ~ I See Spiders When I Close My Eyes