Meaning: You are being strung along by a person whom you find attractive, but who has no intention of becoming your partner.
Whose fault is that? Two people: one would like to go out with the other. The other just sees the two of them as friends, nothing more, but perhaps enjoys the attention that arises as a result of being the object of someone’s affection. The pair have had a previous exchange in which intentions of each have been made unambiguously clear. Yet, they still hang out, they still chat, because they enjoy each other’s company or conversation or whatever.
Which is all fine and healthy, right?
Which is all fine and healthy, right?
However, it still kind of feels like, the besotted might still believe that there’s a chance and the desired perhaps doesn’t completely discourage behaviour that may be more than strictly friends would act towards each other. Of course, ‘friends’ is such a broad term, especially when it involves people of different genders, that it’s not easy to determine exactly what might be deemed as appropriate behaviour, given the circumstances.
While the concept has been around since the dawn of dating, the term “on the hook” was given to me by a particular American sitcom, in which they mentioned that most people have had people on the hook and/or been on the hook themselves, which I suppose, may well be true for many. Ever wished you could have something more with someone? Ever had someone want something more with you? There you go. Sometimes, you just can’t help it. Neither of you can, because you’re both gaining something from it, ultimately, which is partly what makes it hard to change the dynamics. Until one of you gets tired of waiting for something that’ll possibly never materialise, or the other gets guilty about the fact that they are wilfully keeping this person on the hook, because it’s hard to deflate someone’s dreams.
I mean, would you want someone to do it to you?
The episode concluded with the idea that the only decent thing to do when you find that you are keeping someone on the hook, intentionally or mistakenly, is to break their heart. Obviously, you don’t want to hurt someone for the sake of it, but isn’t leading them on worse on their feelings? You might not realise that what you’re doing is leaving them hoping that you’ll change your mind, you might not realise that you are all they think about, that they are taking every small detail to mean something else. In fact, it may require someone else to point this fact out to you. But the thing is, if it’s happening and you’re letting it occur, knowingly, well, that makes you not a very nice person. Doesn’t it?
They say that breaking up is hard to do.
Flitterbox: Rilo Kiley ~ Breaking Up
He's on the hook. But you've told him before where he stands, and if you're not being *more* affectionate than before, he'll know just as well as you do what the situation is. Ultimately you're both adults and he knows what he's letting himself in for, so it's as much his choice as yours to remain on the hook, and you have no responsibility to save him. So long as you're not doing something that is unambiguously *not* what you mean...!
ReplyDeleteLet me guess which American sitcom it was: How I Met Your Mother?
ReplyDeleteKnowing someone who is currently on the hook I find it increasingly frustrating that the boy wielding the line doesn't just cast her off because once you're on the hook you can't get yourself off. She "knows" it's not going anywhere (even if she's denying that to herself) he definitely knows it's not going anywhere so I see it as his responsibility to break things off. Instead he continues to leave her dangling.
ReplyDeleteAnd when she did manage to worm herself off the hook and meet someone else suddenly he found it within himself to tell her he loved her and suddenly she's back on the hook again.
And that's quite enough fishing metaphors from me.
Things get mixed up, and people can become sad if something goes wrong. To stop things going wrong, people have to be careful. If they aren't, they might be told they are stalking (following someone too closely so they get upset) / leading them on (letting someone believe that they are loved when they are not). This can break a friendship. This is bad.
ReplyDeleteSimple wikipedia language doesn't actually make things simpler, sadly...
Also, I cannot comment on this blog any more without the Name/URL option. Please put it back!
I've known 'hooked' people do some utterly ridiculous things in the past.
ReplyDelete"Sure, I'm up for some 'meaningless' sex. It wouldn't mean anything to me at all or cause me immense quantities of worry and anguish."
Who are they lying to? Their hook or themselves? Worse is that I know a lot of women who take men at their word when they say things like that - we're not exactly known for their emotional subtlety, after all...
@Jenny: Okay, but what about when she's on the hook? What then? She has an idea of where she stands, but you never can be quite sure. After all, things change. What if she's the idiot. How can he, or indeed, anyone else, make her see that He's Just Not That Into You In That Way.
ReplyDeleteShould they stay in touch at all, or leave it be, if one of them will always be wondering? I know you're not necessarily responsible for how you make people feel, what they take your actions to mean and ultimately, she should probably woman-up and either just cut it clean herself or drop the feelings, cos that's just so easy to do. But, you know, what if...?
@Mia: Yep :) If anyone's seen the episode it probably explains what I mean better than I.
@The Girl: "because once you're on the hook you can't get yourself off." Yup. It hurts, sure, but you're not going to be like, hey, let's not hang out tonight and no, I won't call you back actually, because hell I know I want to, but I'm just not sure that you really do...
@Callan: Yes.
Also, with you acting as third advocate, I have put back the Name/URL option. This is on the trust that people won't abuse it...I don't like "Anonymous" comments.
@Dom: I like the way you switch between we and them in the last sentence - not quite sure whether you should lump yourself in with that gender...? :P
Will it let me comment?
ReplyDeleteFinally, I've been trying to reply to this for a few days and it wasn't liking me!
ReplyDeleteEhh, I would suggest *she* is less affectionate, if only to reinforce the non-feelings. Once on the hook a lot of people will tend to take any little thing that could be a positive sign as a positive sign even if it isn't.
Also, I've never heard that expression before. It doesn't roll off the tongue so well.
I know someone who's on the hook, and it just hurts to watch her do everything in her power to please him, and misinterpret the smallest thing he does/says to her as a sign of his more-than-platonic affection.
ReplyDeleteI personally wouldn't know how to go about resolving things if I were on the hook, but if I were the one holding someone else on the hook, I'd probably just sit them down and tell them, repeatedly, that I won't "come around" and that they're just my friend.
I disagree with the idea that if you're on the hook you won't have the maturity and the balls to walk away if you decide that would make you happier. Yes, it takes great strength, but it has been done, and will be done again. If you know you're on the hook, that is. If you're on the hook and you don't know it but the other person basically does, well, that's quite cruel of them. Alternatively - and I've done this too - you can choose to stay on the hook. It's hard and it's horrible just being friends who sometimes hug for just that bit too long or have conversations that run late into the night but perhaps you'd rather that than nothing at all? Everyone knows, deep down, that their feelings are hopeless, if hopeless they are. And that's why I think it's up to the individuals involved to, individually, be adults. Whether that means breaking things off or holding on to the hook, so long as you know, really, where you stand, whatever you might try to tell yourself. It's a bad situation to be in, but it's not unsalvageable, and I don't like this idea that seems to be prevalent that the people on the hook are entirely powerless.
ReplyDeleteSome people on the hook are entirely powerless. That's not to say all, but i think some will be - weak-minded, of little self-worth etc
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, Jenny, it's up to the people involved to make certain they know which pieces are in play.
I imagine it very much depends on the person and how much they are actually aware of the situation and how easily they can objectively process actions, how much they want to see things a certain way and how clear people are about their feelings and it depends, it depends, like everything.
ReplyDeleteAlso, things can change...sometimes.