Today, I have felt myself sinking.
It's been a while since I have woken up and physically been unable to drag myself out of bed, not because I'm tired (though that doesn't help) or because I'm hungover (I'm beginning to think I can't even have one drink without it sending me on a downward spiral) but because, mentally, I can't face the day ahead.
It's only 7.55 so I'm doing well on most accounts - I'm not late yet. But I don't know what to do and I feel like a first year again. I know the place, I know the faces but I don't know who to ask and I feel like an idiot for even suggesting that I'm incapable of performing the most simplest of tasks. I know I've done three years of lab work, but I've never done *this* before, but honestly, I learn quickly, so if you just show me, I'm sure I'll pick it up.
It's not working and I don't know why, and I'm wasting days away by pressing a button every 15 mins like I'm in Lost or something and I know that nothing will change if I don't press that button and nothing will change if I do. And so everyone's getting at me for being a slacker when I want to do something, honestly, I do! I want to have work to do, but it's not my fault that I'm all alone and you all have handy right-hand men to whom you can defer all your problems.
So I've been to see the Supervisor, but it hasn't helped and I feel like I'm wasting their time because I'm vermin, bottom of the academic food chain, not quite an amoeba but not far off. And my lab is silent (apart from all the juddering machines that give me a headache whenever I spend more than quarter of an hour in there) so the people don't talk to me and there's only four others anyway and half the time it's only one or two of them in there. They don't know what I'm supposed to be doing any more than I do, so how am I supposed to approach them for help? I can't, is the answer, and plus, they would most likely just consider me to be thoroughly incompetent because they forget that, hey, they were new once too.
If I could, I'd go to that first year self, seek her out and say, hey, things get better, okay? Second and third years of uni are hard work, but you won't feel like you want to die every time you wake up in the morning, which is a significant improvement. But I don't have my five years ahead retrospective self to come in and tell me that it'll be okay, and you'll get your degree and you'll attain the necessary experience and hey, maybe you'll even be in a Real Job by that time (and I will laugh if it's a teacher, I will laugh long and hard) so don't worry, kid, chin up, because you have your friends and you have your health and you have a wonderfully supportive family and don't forget it - you are bloody clever also, so who could ask for more? So, no, I don't have that sense of hindsight to look back and see that everything turns out alright, despite the tears and the frustration and the lack of support from higher powers, so I somehow have to muster up that reassurance for myself. And I think that's enough for now, so don't even get me started on the other worries.
I'm really struggling at the moment.
It's been a while since I have woken up and physically been unable to drag myself out of bed, not because I'm tired (though that doesn't help) or because I'm hungover (I'm beginning to think I can't even have one drink without it sending me on a downward spiral) but because, mentally, I can't face the day ahead.
It's only 7.55 so I'm doing well on most accounts - I'm not late yet. But I don't know what to do and I feel like a first year again. I know the place, I know the faces but I don't know who to ask and I feel like an idiot for even suggesting that I'm incapable of performing the most simplest of tasks. I know I've done three years of lab work, but I've never done *this* before, but honestly, I learn quickly, so if you just show me, I'm sure I'll pick it up.
It's not working and I don't know why, and I'm wasting days away by pressing a button every 15 mins like I'm in Lost or something and I know that nothing will change if I don't press that button and nothing will change if I do. And so everyone's getting at me for being a slacker when I want to do something, honestly, I do! I want to have work to do, but it's not my fault that I'm all alone and you all have handy right-hand men to whom you can defer all your problems.
So I've been to see the Supervisor, but it hasn't helped and I feel like I'm wasting their time because I'm vermin, bottom of the academic food chain, not quite an amoeba but not far off. And my lab is silent (apart from all the juddering machines that give me a headache whenever I spend more than quarter of an hour in there) so the people don't talk to me and there's only four others anyway and half the time it's only one or two of them in there. They don't know what I'm supposed to be doing any more than I do, so how am I supposed to approach them for help? I can't, is the answer, and plus, they would most likely just consider me to be thoroughly incompetent because they forget that, hey, they were new once too.
If I could, I'd go to that first year self, seek her out and say, hey, things get better, okay? Second and third years of uni are hard work, but you won't feel like you want to die every time you wake up in the morning, which is a significant improvement. But I don't have my five years ahead retrospective self to come in and tell me that it'll be okay, and you'll get your degree and you'll attain the necessary experience and hey, maybe you'll even be in a Real Job by that time (and I will laugh if it's a teacher, I will laugh long and hard) so don't worry, kid, chin up, because you have your friends and you have your health and you have a wonderfully supportive family and don't forget it - you are bloody clever also, so who could ask for more? So, no, I don't have that sense of hindsight to look back and see that everything turns out alright, despite the tears and the frustration and the lack of support from higher powers, so I somehow have to muster up that reassurance for myself. And I think that's enough for now, so don't even get me started on the other worries.
I'm really struggling at the moment.
On the jukebox: Nick Drake ~ Hazey Jane
Hug. Hug.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could come and give you those hugs in person, and just sit, and be quiet, and when you're calm maybe do some jigsaw or go for a walk without saying anything, 'cos we'd both just know. You know my email address if you want to talk, but I do realise that sometimes there isn't anything to say as such.
It will be OK. It will be OK. Even though it's utterly, utterly shit in the meantime, and I know that because I'm right there myself as well.
Cut time into little bits. TIny little things you can accomplish, and don't think any further into the future than about ten minutes away from now. Because that's how I've actually *coped* this time round (rather than failing epically, as you've witnessed before) - if all you have to think about is what you yourself have to do in the next ten minutes, how can it possibly overwhelm you? And then it gets easier. And you do know what you're doing, and you will be able to do it, and meanwhile, lots of hugs and cups of tea and such (and you have my email address too, I know, and I would love to hear from you if you want to email me). And I'm sure your five-years-older self would say much the same, although that might be a bit like something out of The Lake House. Much love.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is the normal Jenny. I just screwed up the 'Comment as' box. xxx
ReplyDelete