Making Magic

Today, I have organised.

You know, when you're a magician, and you're expected to impress everyone, every time, with every trick you do. You should be in that place, at this time, because you always gather a good crowd there which generally makes for a good time. But it's also that person's party and they want you to perform, and you can't and that's unfortunate, but sometimes that's the card you have to choose. Plus, there's this awesome arts festival that some of your fellow entertaining folk are attending and you want to jump on their bandwagon, but you might miss out on the opportunity because it's a little too late to change your plans. And while it's great that you've got so many shows lined up, you just wish that there was a little more time, and a little less distance, between each one.

It's tough, there's no point in complaining, that's just how the vocation works. Anyway, don't forget - there's a lot of enjoyment to come from this way of life, too.

Due to the nature of your occupation, you encounter fresh, as well as familiar, faces from all over the country and with no particular tie to any one location, you have the option to go anywhere you fancy. It's fantastic because it means you can see different places and meet new people, but you kind of wish that it was a little bit easier to see all the friends you want to see, do all the jobs you need to do and above all, be able to have fun, too. It seems that to have all three is a virtual impossibility.

After all, you're a magician, not a miracle worker.

On the jukebox: Radiohead ~ Creep

Looking Glass

Today, I have been through the looking glass.

It wasn't really about the clicks, it wasn't really about the content, it wasn't really about the comments. Except it was and it is and even now it will be. You don't know who I am and even after four years you have no idea except a little bit, except a lot of it. But not all.

I remember you and I remember a lot. And it's like it all happened and the in-jokes are there but no laughter is heard. It's kind of like a dream and it's kind of like a history but it's also kind of like reading a book and never getting to meet the characters. And it kind of makes me sad and it kind of makes me happy and if I look too closely it's not really real.

But it is there, and there are people. Because it's not fiction, it's true stories and these characters aren't formed from imagination, they really exist. I think it's possible to forget that in all the descriptive paragraphs - blogs lend themselves so well to giving an account of life more colourful than the experience itself - if you can't see it, you need the words to put the detail in and it's hard to separate, to think of these personalities as actual people, especially if you never even see their faces...

Why would you read this? It's the raw honesty dressed up in flowery prose. It's the mystery that remains after such a long while; I keep my mask firmly on, though sometimes I peek from beneath it unexpectedly. But most of the time, it's just the holes for eyes. And the eyes are the window to the soul. So you may not know me, who I am, what I'm like after three shots of vodka and a bottle of wine but you know what I think and feel more than many others. It's odd that it should be that way, but that's how it is, you know. Sometimes, it's just easier to write. Just to let it out. Just to let it go.

Happy 4th Birthday, Flix

On the jukebox: Anna Nalick ~ Drink Me

Riding Waves

Today, I have surfed.

You know, when you're riding a wave and you get that amazing rush of excitement as it rises, high above anything you've felt before and it's gaining momentum and it's huge and you're on your surfboard and you're skimming the surface of it and you feel on top of the world - young, beautiful, popular, like anything is possible; fit to burst with happiness. And sometimes there's that swooping dip in the pit of your stomach when you feel like you might lose your balance or you get a bit of saltwater in your eye and it stings like hell and then you feel like you might just lose control and you are filled to the brim with tears of fear but then you regain stability and that feeling, that feeling right there, right now is like nothing else: it's fantastic.

But you know, at some point, that feeling will stop, you may never ride a wave that big again and the sense of reality will come crashing in all around you and you just want to forget how it will be when that massive wave of enjoyment falls, because at the moment, it's so damn good.

It's not over, it's not over, it's not over yet.

On the jukebox: Lilo & Stitch ~ Hawaiian Rollercoaster Ride - coasting with the motion of the ocean

Riding Wagons

Today, I have drunk in moderation.

I dislike that staying sober is such a significant decision to make.

Why is the choice to refrain every once in a while deemed a shocking announcement, necessary to relate to a reasonable excuse as an explanation for why such an outlandish stance has been taken? I suppose it's just that it's uncommon among students, and as ever, everyone is expected to conform to the norm or else risk social shunning. Of course, everyone commends you on giving up smoking, but giving up binge drinking, what are you on some like health kick? Boring.

I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol myself, I don't have a problem with other people drinking alcohol in general. I've been drunk before, I know what it's like and I'm finding more and more that I don't like it. I know I have enough money to buy drinks, enough time to spend in bed the morning after, and enough pills and water to negate the effects of the night before. But what if I don't want to experience those consequences in the first place? What if I'd like to be aware of my surroundings and remember the good times, save my money for something that I can actually appreciate for longer than a couple of hours? I can see that part of the point is that most people don't actually enjoy spending time in dark, sweaty, noisy pits packed with people, and wouldn't dream of choosing to do so when totally sober, because it's nauseating. But if it's at a party or a pub or a barbeque, I don't mind not being completely off my face, because you know, interaction often has more satisfaction - with less friction and fewer tears - if that's the case. I can still be fun without alcohol, honest!

Plus, it makes it easier to laugh at people, and less likely that people will laugh at me.

On the jukebox: The Magnetic Fields ~ Love Is Like A Bottle Of Gin - but a bottle of gin is not like love

Closing Time

Today, I have been woken up by my body clock.

Summer signifies endings. For the past five years, that is what it has always been about. In the same way that September signifies a fresh start, Summer is the indication of everything coming to a close. End of compulsory schooling; end of sixth form; end of halls; end of university. End of friendships. And I'm thrilled that I'm doing so well, but there's always the pinches of sadness within the whirlpool of happiness. It couldn't work any other way.

It's the end.

Life is going faster than I can keep up with and suddenly it's end of term? It's all birthday, drinks, birthday, party, birthday, bbq, birthday, celebrate, one day after another constantly, without a chance to fully appreciate the moment. I'd like to stop and hold it for a bit, pin down the butterflies, gather up the fireworks and blu-tack the moments to my heart, but I think if I stand still for too long I'd just be watching it whoosh by instead and that would make me more upset.

It's the end.

I can sort of see what they mean now when they say that student years are the best ones. I don't ever plan to describe it as such, as it's been such a confusing mix of emotions, rushing throught the heights and depths of growing up at the speed of light that it's very hard to say, confidently, that it was the time of my life. But I can sort of see what they mean, now.

It's the end.

It's all going to end soon, and gosh, I'm going to miss it. Like anyone does, I already miss the moments I know I will never have again. Change is hard. It's weird and often upsetting and bound to be unsettling. But eventually, you get used to it, you accept it, and though, you know, things won't ever be the same again, you are able to move on. Because there's always something more just around the riverbend and every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. So keep swimming.

The End.

On the jukebox: Semisonic ~ Closing Time - wham! in the solar plexus

Shining Light

Today, I have been everybody.

As one is wont to do when one is feeling blue, I find myself reminiscing on days gone by. This particular trip took me back to two years ago today.

Most people get stressed about exams. Most people get sad about stuff ending and everybody hurts, sometimes. I am everybody. And while, yes, I am upset at the moment, it will pass. And in the midst of my temporary sadness, that fact is a shining light. I am happy. Life is good.

Maybe if everyone who is drowning holds hands we can all make it back to the shore

I am not a one in four, anymore.

On the jukebox: Spiderbait ~ Sunshine On My Window

Studying Relationships

Today, I have studied.

What do you do in a relationship during exams?

You go to the library together, but don't sit at the same table, after all it's exam season, you can't afford to get distracted, you need to study. You have a little break every now and again, you go and sit outside in the sunshine together or go for a wee walk nowhere in particular. Sometimes, it's nice to have someone to hug when it all gets too much. You go home together, but stay in separate beds, after all, it's exam season, you can't afford to get distracted, you need to sleep. You don't necessarily see as much of each other as you usually would see and your time being together isn't as fun-filled as it usually would be. But at least you're not alone.

What do you do in a long distance relationship during exams?

You see each other before going back to your respective term-time abodes, and wave a long goodbye for the extended length of time you'll be apart. After all, it's exam season, you can't be flitting across the country every other weekend, you need to study. But at least you have the phone.

Alternatively...

You break up with your partner before exams start. After all, it's exam season, you can't afford to be distracted, you need to study. And it's third year. Where can we go from here?

So now, you're on your own.

On the jukebox: Lostprophets ~ Last Train Home - to every broken heart in here.