Road Runner

Today, I have driven a car. 

I passed my test a while back, but driving is still scary and I don't currently have, nor really need, my own vehicle so I don't drive all that often, and even less often by myself.

Twist, slide, click, push, switch, pull, turn. 

It's weird, driving alone. So quiet! I mean, I know it's what most people do and so are completely used to doing so and once I'm out there it's fine and I won't hurt anybody (hopefully) and my jelly-like left leg will still work effectively as required. I suppose the aspect that concerns me more is being embarrassed rather than being dangerous. Being watched by people while I try to park properly, or stalling at a roundabout just as a rare golden gap in traffic appears. Awkward.

Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right. 

As with so many things in life, it's about confidence. When you're young, you can rely on other people to instil confidence in you; people tell you that you're doing something right, or well done, good job. I can drive, but I still feel like I need an instructor or willing front-seat passenger to tell me I can do it, that it will be okay. As you get older, it's less likely that people will praise you for the mundane (maybe because it can be seen as patronising or unnecessary?) so you have to pat yourself on the back and reward appropriately. My reward is banana milkshake because I'm five years old.

Look, think, change, choose, look, wait, stop. 

Driving is not yet a habit; a task run on auto-pilot. Perhaps at some point in the future, it will become so that I drive from one place to another without even remembering the journey, but I'm not there yet. 

Go! Go! Go!

Flitterbox: Sum 41 - In Too Deep
Flitterbook: Going Out ~ Scarlett Thomas

Feeling Fearful

Today, I have experienced acrophobia.

I used to hate heights, but now I can cope a lot better. I have been up to the tops of buildings of many cities across the world, it's the best ways to get the views. While I still don't feel wholly comfortable with high places, the fear is more rational than it once was.

But it suddenly struck me on a bridge today, constructed high above the river flowing beneath. It had stood there for over 200 years without issue, people were crossing constantly, there were sturdy barriers. Unfortunately, reason doesn't hold much ground when faced with phobia.

I got the shakes and the start of the tears and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. It was scary but with my eyes facing forward and my fingers not moving from the handrail for the short length of the strong, steel bridge, I managed it.

As Baz Luhrmann told me: "do one thing every day that scares you". That was one of  my scary things for today and although it wasn't massive wouldn't be a problem for most people; I am slightly proud of myself for not going back, for not bailing. Big things are built from little achievements.

Flitterbox: Frank Sinatra ~ That's Life
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

Wiser Eyes

Today, I have been a grown-up.

There's nothing hugely different about being an adult, it happens almost without realising. I was a slightly anxious child and while I'm not as confident as I could be, it's simpler living in a world where people and processes of life are more straightforward; some things are still daunting, but it's easier to decipher situations and work out how to deal with them.

One of my favourite things about being in control of my own life is being able to eat whatever I want, which seems small, but feels mighty. If I want pancakes for breakfast? I can make them. If I want to have steamed vegetables as a starter because they cook faster, and then have the protein and potatoes to follow after, I can. If I want to eat ice-cream before my main course, no-one is stopping me. It's liberating to be able to cook and choose for myself. Of course it's nice occasionally to have meals prepared for me, but it's great to have the option to pick what I want to eat at any given time of day.

I don't know if I ever dreamed about these things as a kid, but I can imagine some children do. Like, all the stupid things that are out of reach to under-10s and suddenly become available once you become independent. I mean, of course, with great age comes great responsibilities too, but don't forget the power you have. You can stay up past midnight! You can have those sweets from the supermarket! You can watch whatever you like on the TV, even if it's gory or scary or violent or sexy! You can see your friends whenever you like! You can drink alcohol! You can have boys to stay in your room! You can go out by yourself! 

What would mini you want to do?

I think I was always kind of worried about growing-up. I was scared that my signature wouldn't match my credit card, terrified of speaking to people on the phone, wary of paying for shopping in stores.* Today, I have done all of these things without even noticing. I had noodles for breakfast and a doughnut for lunch, because I am a grown-up and being grown-up means I can. 

Flitterbox: Avicii ~ Wake Me Up
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

Worker Bee

Today, I have visited a laboratory.

There's only been a handful of times I've been inside a lab since I finished my degree, it was a chilling reminder of how things used to be. I am more than happy not to be stuck in front of a fume hood extracting samples into vials. But also, I am grateful that I understand the science behind some of the work I need to do. It's not entirely necessary, but it does give me a sense of smug satisfaction to have awareness and be able to partially apply that knowledge.

Sections on this site are due some tweaking. Can you really call yourself a student-turn-graduate when it's four years since completing the course? Maybe I need to figure out what my blog is about or what posts I should be proud of; my favourite ones. For now, I'll just point to the right, suggest you pick a word from the label cloud that looks interesting; or a month at random on the timeline and click on from there. Perhaps I need to figure out what I'm trying to say, after almost a decade of publicly declaring my emotions and experiences. But one of the keys to writing well is writing often and chances are when you haven't written in a while, what is written initially will not be always be wonderful (and people won't always be willing to read.) At least you're writing and sometimes that's enough. It will get better. Bear with me.

I finished a book. Train travel and time to myself in a hotel did the trick. Next one is yet to have begun, but has been recommended as per below so should at least be started tonight. I used to hate leaving a book unfinished, even one I wasn't enjoying; but the kindle makes abandoning a story effortless. Without the physical marker to indicate how far you haven't read through a paper-bound copy, you can let go more easily and say "hey, well, maybe that one wasn't for me."

If I can do it with books, perhaps I can apply the concept to other aspects? It takes courage, that's for sure. 

Flitterbox: Little Talks ~ Of Monsters and Men
Flitterbook: The Rabbit Back Literature Society ~ Pasi Ilmari Jääskeläinen

May Day

Today, it is May.

It's the fifth month of the year and fifty-two books isn't quite as on track as I would hope. I could say there's been other things on my mind and that it's easier to endlessly watch American sitcoms than pick up the kindle, which is partly true but not really an excuse. Reading is so brilliant when you get into it and so simple to do anytime, for any length of time. I keep forgetting that when I'm out of the game.

I start the month off with a free stay in a four star hotel, sandwiched by two train journeys. What better reason to get away from the moving pictures and open up the mind pictures instead?

Flitterbox: The Family Crest ~ Kiss On My List
Flitterbook: The Shock of The Fall ~ Nathan Flier

Valentine Time

Today, I have been rosy.

I love the idea of Valentine's Day.

Personally, I find Valentines is only really fun if you are single or perhaps in a fairly recently established relationship, because there’s always that little beacon of hope that allows for a real surprise, however unlikely the case may be. If you’re attached, there comes the burden of expectation and if you’re single, it’s not as if you forget that fact on every day that isn’t Valentines day…

However, if you're single, you don't need to be worried about expecting a card or a gift or an elaborate demonstration of eternal devotion. So, if you do receive something out of the blue, it's a pleasant surprise, and you're not left wishing a certain someone had made more on an effort on this single day that everyone hails as the one to show your love.

Despite the "it's only one day of many" sentiment, I do still think it has a place. Valentine's is a valid excuse to tell the people you treasure most how much you care about them. These may be partners, friends, or family. Or may be what I see as the "proper" reason for Valentine's day - the person you secretly admire. Because isn't it quite wonderfully flattering to find someone is thinking of you? It's troublesome territory, it's true. Maybe the object of your affection doesn't return your feelings, maybe it's been long since you could or did have a chance with them, maybe there's someone else in the picture that makes the whole situation rather awkward or maybe it wouldn't work due to circumstances beyond your control. But Valentine's day is the day where you can overcome that. Even if you can't say or do everything you want to, you can let them know, somehow.

So do it. It doesn't have to be romantic inclination, necessarily. It could be a friend you've lost touch with, or someone you care about and sometimes miss. It could be someone you know you have no chance with, but you want to let them know that they gave you something special. To let someone know that you're thinking of them, and this comes again 'round to the fact that you're not thinking of them because it's Valentine's day, but because you would think of them anyway, and Valentine's somehow allows for a legitimate window to say the things you mightn't usually say. Some people say that takes away from the idea of it being "for the one you love" but I say, it's whatever you want it to be. What's wrong with saying Happy Valentine's Day? It's nice.

And perhaps, if you are the recepient of such a sentiment, accept it graciously. Even if it scares you, even if you never expected it from that person, even if you have no desire to return the favour. It takes some courage to tell a person that you like them, that you want them, that you miss them. You're laying your heart on the line and being vunerable can be terrifying. Plus, rejection stings. But, you know, sometimes it's worth putting yourself out there, risking the opportunity that something more may come of it. And if it isn't reciprocated or appreciated? It's a shame, but you'll get over it. It's better to have tried than to have never known.

So hey, why not embrace Valentine's day. Who will you be telling?

Flitterbox: Ellie Goulding ~ How Long Will I Love You

Merry Janewary

Today, I have welcomed in the new year.

I'm a sucker for marking an arbitrary point to make a fresh start. I searched for new year's resolutions and picked what I liked from the web. It's just suggestions, I don't make commitments until the end of the year, when I look back and pick out my achievements and pretend I intended to do that all along.

My internet share aim for the year is 52 books in 52 weeks. I liked the idea of this last year, but I didn't measure or monitor it so I don't have much of an idea of how many I actually read and I didn't make the active effort. Now I have a spreadsheet and everything, so I'm totally dedicated.

First up is Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. I own several of his books but have yet to read any, so here we go.

Flitterbox: The Mamas & The Papas ~ Dream a Litttle Dream of Me
Flitterbook: Neverwhere ~ Neil Gaiman