Hello Happy

I was so sad, then.

Going back, it felt like I was in a movie set of a film I have seen over and over again. I know it so well. A bittersweet tale that pulls at my heartstrings in a way that makes me want to keep watching. There's a character that I identify with so well, but she's not quite me. I wander around the set, drinking in all these sights as if I've lived them, as if I've walked these streets so many times that I can visualise being here, I can feel her emotions pulsing through me, fighting with my own. I wonder, is it normal to experience it like this? The rest of the cast aren't around now, but I can see them in my mind. I remember all the scenes and the lines, the funny bits, the heartwarming moments, but also the gut-wrenching despair. I turn a corner and each location renews a sense of detached familiarity. The main character is ghost-like, I sense her presence everywhere. I can't go into her room, but I feel the melancholy overwhelm me just from being outside, looking in. Somehow, the surroundings are just as imagined, the props are spot on, but I still can't quite grasp the reality of being in the same space she once shared. I go to where she had daily lectures, where she ate lunch, walk the staircase she dreaded every morning. I am there, I am her, I am me. I can't cope with the confluence of the two personalities. How can I be both her then, and myself now? I need time to process this, to conceptualise. And I do, later that night while my heart is bursting, full of lost moments, I articulate the feeling that has been hanging over me for most of the day.

I was so sad. I was so sad. I was so sad.

It is difficult to admit, and I'm not sure I even realised fully at the time, but it is freeing to recognise. I was so sad. But now, I am happy. The girl I left there was full of worry and hopelessness and some days, all she had to hang on to was that one day, perhaps in ten, eight, nine, seven years from now, it will be okay. This too shall pass. And that, it did.

Which brings us to today, things are more than okay. It is hard to express how happy I am that things worked out for her. That she doesn't have to be there any more, that she doesn't have to feel like that every day, any more. It may now seem like a movie set but it was real life, once upon a time. I want to hug her so tight and tell her it will be alright but just as you can't do that to characters in a story, you can't connect to your past self. So I guess I have to satisfy my self of the moment with the reminder that everything is okay now.

I am happy, now.

Flitterbox: Razorlight ~ Stumble and Fall 

Slow Down

Today, I have felt stressed.

I am quick to defend what I believe to be true. I am ready to stand up for a person when I feel that their words or actions may have been misunderstood. I am keen to be a voice of reason and representation, to help people understand one another where they might not be able to make that link themselves. Sometimes, I feel like I see things differently to other people. Sometimes, I suppose, everyone feels that way.

Writing calms my mind. I know this to be true and I found it particularly helpful as a student. Writing  allows me to process my thoughts in a way that talking or thinking doesn't always manage. Writing, as if to someone outside of myself, brings order to my brain.

I think it's something that I need at the moment. There's no great trauma or tragedy in my life, fear not. But there's plenty I could say, so many changes happening all around that are almost passing me by. Minor decisions that I am finding hard to pin down, major milestones that friends are ticking off, all the time. I want to capture these feelings, these events, these viewpoints.

Perhaps this is just a burst of inspiration. Perhaps it is a momentary blip back to unsettled and restless. Perhaps it won't last long. Well, we shall see.

Perhaps a blog is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm.

 Flitterbox: Frank Turner ~ Photosynthesise

Coconut Cookies

Today, I have made coconut oat cookies.

I have a list of things I like, up the top there. I wrote it several years ago and recently re-read, musing on whether they all still apply. For the most part, they still do. I don't wake up to the sound of the radio any more, but I do still listen in the morning sometimes. I don't read the newspaper so much but I keep up with the news online, such is the digital age.

I like speaking French, most often when I've had a drink or few. I have started learning Spanish which is  more difficult than I anticipated. Whilst I have come across the language before, of course, I've never formally studied it and finding that commitment to learn and motivation to keep going is so much harder at this age and stage in life. I took for granted how easy it was just to go to language lessons at school because I was obliged to attend, to do the homework because I was a diligent student. Seven years of French and I'm by no means fluent, but common words and frequently used phrases come to mind readily. Seventeen weeks of Spanish and I can barely scrape a complete sentence without making a mistake or having to think twice. But, I am signed up for another course that takes me up to summer, and I'm sure in seven or so years' time, I will be glad I stuck at it.

I like coconut oat cookies. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, I wouldn't choose to buy nor eat biscuits, usually. Cake and tea are a classic combination that I am happy to indulge in on occasion, but it's not a regular occurrence. I just felt, this week, for some reason, the need to make the favoured bake of my childhood. Simple and satisfying: mix dry, mix wet, add wet to dry and dump dessertspoonfuls on a tray for baking. The end result is deliciousness achieved in under half an hour.  This is not the kind of blog where you scroll through three paragraphs to find a recipe, but I doubt that's the reason you're here - lmgtfy if it is.

The rest rings true on the whole and there are many other things I could add. I think a good way to get to know someone is ask about their likes - the little likes that are fun to find out and the large likes that mean you have something important in common and that like could be the foundation of a fantastic friendship.

I like reflecting.

Flitterbox: Mulan ~ Reflection

Miss Bloggerbee

Today, I miss blogging.

I miss blogging like I miss school, or university. That is, most of the time it's fine and I don't really think about it but every now and again, a memory will catch me out and then it's a bit sad and a bit wistful and a bit weird. My blog circle is entirely different now, I'm a mere observer most of the time and the tight community that developed early on and joined me through my formative years, well, I don't know where most of them are or what they are doing. Although, I do confess to having searched on social media to varying success.

Sometimes, I spy a pied wagtail and wonder what you're up to. I go to a city you live in and I remember meeting here for the first time, how strange it was. Somebody mentions something, and I find myself thinking of a throwaway comment you made, ages ago, candid advice that somehow has stuck.

I'm doing more; I'm thinking less. I still think too much, y'know. But far less than I used to and I've become better at not listening to the voices that remind me of things I cannot change.

Be patient. Be kind. Be positive. Be happy.

Be Positive

Today, I have made a mind map.

Be kind. Be patient. Be positive.

I like the idea of a blank page. A fresh start. A new approach. I don't want to make resolutions about being fitter, or eating more healthily, or having more hobbies. There are things I wish to achieve by this time next year, there are things I want to do by this time next week.

January is a gloomy month. Dark, wet, desolate. So, I'm going to be better to other people.

Be kind, lend my time, an ear. Send a letter, or a package. Meet up and make plans with friends. Give compliments, offer help, take on additional tasks. Cook meals for others, spend time in favoured company, play games together. Keep the Brownie Guide Law: a Brownie thinks of others before herself and does a good turn every day. I tell them to keep it, but do I check myself? Thinking of others is not just offering first use of the red pencil, but also considering feelings and responding appropriately to them. Empathy is a hard skill to master, but I think it starts with simply being kind.

Be patient. I am often quick to be frustrated, quick to give up, scared to try new things. Patience isn't something that comes easily to me. I do get annoyed readily, with situations as well as people. I get upset by not seeing change quickly enough, and yet tend to avoid taking small steps in the right direction. I need to remind myself to take a moment, take a breath, keep my thoughts and temperament on track and try to be better at putting things in perspective and understanding other people.

Be positive. It's easy to focus on the bad stuff, but equally, it's not actually that hard to recall all the good; to do good. It might take a bit of adjustment to natural thought processes and usual patterns but I hope that if I keep reminding myself, I might be able to make a habit of being happy.

Being happy. Really, that's the ultimate aim of most resolutions.

Finding Fireworks

Eleven years ago, I created an account on an internet forum.

In the midst of MSN spaces, MSN messenger and mySpace, I followed a link on a blog and ended up signing up to a site where comments and conversations were no longer limited to blog posts, but could be continued in discussions and threads. I had no idea how much that place would shape my next few years.

I made friends. Honest, true-to-life friends. I know it’s like, totally normal and cool and hip now to have internet friends, but back then, I was just the weirdo who declined a night out to spend a night in with people I’d never met. When I started university, the forum was my safe haven. There are many negatives of net relationships, but one of the plus points is that they are always there, wherever you are. At a time when everything was changing and everyone I knew was either too far away, or too new to know properly, the forum was there. I just had to log on to a computer to find my friends, to laugh, to moan, to offload and to interact with ease. For a few hours, I didn’t feel so lonely.

As the years went on, the people I’d never seen became more than that. A tight-knit small community of people, varying ages and stages of life, we weren’t brought together by a common interest but somehow, it worked. We shared memories, thoughts and in-jokes. We met up with each other, across the country, once or a few times. We hugged, we chatted, we ate cake and drank tea, coffee, wine. Some of us even dated. I never expected what could come out of simply logging on a forum, once upon a time.

In time, life improved, both socially and work-wise and I didn’t need that internet crutch as much. It was still there and a comfort, like a bowl of warm soup on a cold November night, but I didn’t desperately crave it as much as before. On balance, that’s probably for the best – it makes sense to live your life in the real world, a richer and more satisfying experience overall. But I do miss them and as lame as it sounds, I am so grateful that the forum was there at the time that I needed it most. I would have got by, sure, I would have been okay, either way, but collectively, those forum members helped more than any of them individually can really know.

Eleven years. It has often seemed odd that I’ve known them longer than anyone from university and yet, for a large part, there’s so much detail I don’t know about them. We posted opinions and anecdotes but personal information was limited. With the way the internet is now, I’m sure I could find them if I wanted to, re-connect, engage in a deeper sense, become more involved in each other’s ‘real’ lives, beyond the screen. The question I keep coming back to is – do I want to do that? Do I want them to be real people? Or am I content with the way things were and are, a step removed from reality, keeping a façade to hide behind. Would we even get on if we extended our friendship outside the bounds of the web? With anonymity comes the freedom to say what you like without the direct connection to the outward perception of yourself.

How different is the person you are to people around you, to the person you present on screen?

Flitterbox: Keane ~ Somewhere Only We Know

Twosome Travels

Today, I have pondered the possibility of travelling solo.

Maybe to a European city, for a couple of nights away. Going somewhere different, doing something by myself, feeling a swell of accomplishment and sense of adulthood. I’ve known extroverts who do so and love it, for the opportunity to meet new people. I’ve known introverts who love it, for the need to be without other people. Frequently, I come to the conclusion that ultimately it’s not really something I would personally enjoy. It doesn’t seem to fit in with the main reasons I like going on holiday.

I have recently returned from Copenhagen. It is a compact city, the people were friendly and the food is expensive. I wouldn’t have enjoyed it much alone, one of the benefits of going with another person whose preferences align very much with your own is that you still mostly get to do exactly what you want, because it’s what they want to do, too.

On our first morning, as the sun was beating down and we were desperately searching for somewhere suitable to eat, we were approached by a man on a bicycle. Upon requesting a recommendation for breakfast, rather than give us directions, he took us there. We then spent the next half an hour or so sat with him in a bakery, drinking coffee and eating the treats he selected for us. Meanwhile, he marked on our map places to go and eat and visit during our trip. It was an unexpected but charming start to our holiday. Would it have happened if I were alone? Perhaps, but I may have been more wary and less open to the opportunity.

On our last morning, as the rain was spitting down and we were filled with cinnamon and cappuccinos, we went to seek the little mermaid statue. It was thoroughly underwhelming, but a sight that needed to be ticked off. Full of foreigners taking selfies, an odd representation of the modern world. What would this have been like ten years ago? We walked the route along the water to the city centre, singing our hearts out in grey daylight; a song from The Little Mermaid. Would it have happened if I were alone? Unlikely, I would have been far too self-conscious. But a pair of people singing in the rain is somehow okay.

The many hours in between were spent eating sushi, Indian food, and the famous smørrebrød, in a traditional restaurant, far from the tourist traps. We had a daily Danish pastry, walked many miles, saw the lights of Tivoli, The Bridge and activities featured in Travel Man. We also had an afternoon in our fancy apartment, eating crisps and talking about friends, relationships, hen parties, weddings, memories of previous trips. Because what is a holiday if not to allow time for relaxation? Would it have happened if I were alone? Partially, but much of my time at home is spent alone, so it’s not really worth going abroad just to do that.

Part of what I like about going away with someone else, or even a group, is the chance to spend a solid section of time with them. No chores, classes or other commitments. It gives rise to a depth of conversation and intimacy that you might not otherwise get the chance to discover in the small chunks of time usually spent in their company. It builds bonds, consolidates your relationship, gives you anecdotes to share with others and reminisce with each other. Sure, there’s the potential to get annoyed with certain characteristics, but overall the experience is a positive one, something I plan to continue for a long time.

This is not to say that I would never travel solo, but while there are the willing participants to join me, I’m in no rush to do so. Now, where to consider for our next city?

Flitterbox: The Little Mermaid ~ Part of Your World