Pecking Pain

Today, I have organised a hen do.

It is an honour, a compliment, a privilege and well…a bit of a pain. So far, I have been a bridesmaid twice, and I have been asked three more times since then. Five wedding invites; five times a bridesmaid. It is wonderful that I have such close friends who want me to be a main part of their special day. It mostly wasn’t hugely unexpected that they asked me and yes, I probably would have felt a bit slighted if I had been left out or not chosen in favour of someone else. However, on the flip side, there would have been a slight sense of relief that I could be ‘just’ a guest and not be directly involved. That I could choose what to wear, and when to arrive. That I didn’t have to play a significant part in arranging a suitable hen do.

The hen-do is the main burden of a bridesmaid, I find. Firstly, it is no longer a “hen night” or a “hen party” with a few of your closest friends. It is more often than not, an entire “hen weekend” with no less than ten girls from several different parts of your life, and parts of your personality, all brought together in a house or a hotel, a tent or a cabin in a location that is not one you have any true connection too. It is expected to cost upwards of a couple of hundred pounds per person, and that’s deemed acceptable because it’s ‘fairly standard for a hen do’. WHY?

Secondly, there’s all the activities that have to be planned. The individual catering to the preferred tastes of the bride-to-be, a full and fun-packed agenda. A morning yoga session; a champagne afternoon tea. An evening at a special restaurant, three courses and copious bottles of bubbly. Cocktail-making, dance classes, an all-you-can-eat bottomless brunch. With a dozen people attending of different ages, fitness levels, dietary requirements and personalities, it can be so difficult to try and find events to suit all, even if the ultimate aim is to ensure the bride is satisfied, she won’t have fun unless everyone is willing and involved in the weekend. Time to rest and relax is often built in at some point, but there is much focus on doing things together as a group for most of the time, after all that is what you’re there for. It’s tiring.

Thirdly, the surprise aspect. You are often expected to arrange an entire weekend event, co-ordinating a group of someone else’s friends (half of whom won’t know each other), without much assistance from the one person who links all those people together. You have to second guess what the bride will like, what she expects, will she be disappointed if something in particular is missing? Would she love to go glamping or rather have something more upmarket? Does she want to go for a night out, a few drinks at a few bars, or just a cosy nights in with games and food? Does she want the tacky ‘traditional’ tat that goes with hen parties, or prefer a classier affair?

Surely, since she’s defined you as one of her closest friends, that must mean you know all this instinctively, right? Not always. She needs to be surprised by having exactly the kind of thing she wants, without having to tell you that is what it is. And you have to agree on this with her other bridesmaids, again these could be girls you haven’t met who may have very different ideas from your own.

I have arranged three successful hen celebrations, each suited to the respective bride. They were fun, but also, exhausting and a cause of anxiety, even in the midst of the activities. I couldn’t fully enjoy the experiences as I was constantly concerned that it wouldn’t quite work out, or what might happen next, or did she expect more? Part of that is due to my own personality, I know. I am trying to arrange a fourth for this summer, for which complications are already cropping up. In a way, it is great to be involved, to be able to suggest something that I know she would love, to have the gratitude from the bride and friends at the end, for arranging a fun weekend away. To be a chosen one is a concrete affirmation of how important your friendship is to a person. Defining ‘best friends’ in a way that hasn’t been necessary since primary school. It gives a warm glow and makes attending a wedding that bit more exciting and meaningful.

I do wonder though, what it might be like to be invited to a wedding where I am not a bridesmaid. Perhaps I will find out one day?

Flitterbox: Candi Lauper ~ Girls Just Want To Have Fun