I...I have to go
Push me away, then.
A spark tingled my stomach. The gut feeling lasted a mere second before brain thoughts took over. What does this mean? This is stupid. We can't. We just can't. I don't want this, not like this. And I'm going to be late for my train.
Damn you. You can't do this just as I'm about to leave; what the hell, man. We had a pleasant afternoon. Nice. Lovely, in fact. But it wouldn't set the world alight and I knew that coffee and cake does not equate to a date and he's explicitly stated that he's not doing the distance thing, again. So flirting was minimal, from him, that is - I can't seem to help myself, however inappropriate the situation - and when we walk up to the station, I'm kind of sad and he's kind of polite and detached. Nice, pleasant and distant, as ever. Nothing more. Until...
I can't.
I can't do this. I can't pretend that this is all okay. After the day we've had I'm not even sure it's there. But then one touch sends me into shivers and somersaults? He lightly circles my palm with his finger and oh gosh, I melt as easily as cheese on toast. In the freezing cold of mid-winter, a furnace is burning inside my body; pumping electricity around my veins. And I'm going to be late for my train.
I..I have togo. I have to leave. I can't stay. I can't stay and slip inside a cosy coat and become intertwined with another body. I just can't and a part of me thinks he's doing this purely to spite me, to prove his point. To show that if we get any deeper into this thing, the feeling will just get worse, every time I have to leave. To demonstrate that distance is a real deal-breaker, not something that you can just forget about because the rest might fit.
I pass through the barriers and he doesn't even smile at me as I leave: detached, distant, done.
Gone. I turn away and bite the inside of my cheek to stem the tears.
Gone. I turn away and bite the inside of my cheek to stem the tears.
I can't.
Flitterbox: Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ Scar Tissue
Flitterbook: The Language of Flowers ~ Vanessa Diffenbaugh
I wish I could say something in the least bit helpful. Distance is a killer, it's not something I'd ever want to do - S and I are more likely to get tetchy or even argue over the phone simply because we're tired and bored and we miss each other and you can't always exactly interpret words over the phone or written in a text without the faces that should go with them. I was in a long distance relationship once - for about a month before it ended. It was going to end anyway, I just think the distance helped him realise it sooner. S was in a long distance relationship for much longer and it was just very hard work. So I am sorry, and I wish there was some other way this could go, and I'd say sometimes you have to make the leap, and see, but sometimes it is just a bad idea. I mainly just wanted you to know i was listening but there wasn't a box I wanted to tick to say so...
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