Today, I have been shades of grey.
Nothing is ever black and white, however much one might like it to be. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we all knew where we stood with everyone and everything at any one time? No mystery, no secrets, just a series of ships sailing on open waters. Nothing to hide.
No, thanks.
I like ambiguity; I like the indefinite. If you ask me for black or white, if you force me to choose one face of the coin, I'll reluctantly sit on the safe side of the fence, and avert my eyes from the possibility that the grass might be greener in the other field. I'll set stringent rules, then proceed to break them, willingly. So you're never quite sure where you stand with me.
So I'll choose the safe option. But that doesn't stop me dipping my feet in the puddle of risk every so often. I'll say infra-red, but that doesn't mean I don't want the ultra-violet light, it's just I haven't got the energy to make that transition yet. Plus there's a plethora of wavelengths in between the two that can be fun, too. I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky. I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like.
I like playing with fire, I like dancing over hot coals, I like spinning the roulette wheel and seeing where it lands: red or black; odd or even? Yes, I could lose out. But I could win big bucks. And without a few flames roaring here and there, how would we ever keep warm? I enjoy the thrill of the chase, the swoop of the rollercoaster, the swings and the roundabouts. I don't like a steady path, it makes me think that something will jump out of the corner at any time. Things aren't meant to be straightforward, are they? You expect some twists and turns in the labyrinth of life.
As you may have inferred, I am awfully confused. Terribly complicated and probably not making much sense. I need a cup of tea or a slap 'round the head or both. I need some sleep, is what I need. And less worry and less guilt and less thinking and more letting go, riding with the flow, taking the rough with the smooth even if its unexpected bumps and not ones I've deliberately planted there myself. Because you know, maybe I'll be able to figure it out as I go along rather than needing an elaborate prior plan and you know, maybe it could be worth it.
Good things come to those who wait
On the jukebox: Garbage ~ Temptation Waits - I like to keep you guessing
"As you may have inferred, I am awfully confused"
ReplyDeleteYou're confused? You should try reading your blog! :-p
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever had is "go with the flow". Sadly it's also one of the hardest to follow...
I try to live that one. What will be will be. Go with the flow and see where it takes you. In some ways I find that easier now I'm religious, on a side note, because I can say, Hello God, I am deeply confused and I don't know what to do, so you can handle it whilst I get on with the washing up, kthxbai.' So then I feel like I've done something constructive but actually I've just put it all to one side, for now.
ReplyDeleteNever feel guilty, either, because whatever choices you've made you've made them for some pretty solid reasons and you shouldn't regret that or feel bad about it, because you never set out to hurt people, by the sounds of it, quite the opposite.
What also comes off this post is a tremendous sense of freedom and excitement and potential, which is surely a positive :)
xxx
Hello. I can't find any way to contact you privately, so this is going to have to go here, I'm afraid...
ReplyDeleteI'm knitting a pair of socks - well, the first sock of a pair at present. And it's beautiful, and teal green and wizardly purple. And it reminded me that a few months ago, you said you might like a pair of socks in colours not dissimilar to these. And these particular socks are far too good not to share - and besides, gift knitting is the best kind. So do feel free to decline on grounds of maintaining your anonymity etc, but I was wondering what your shoe size is. They might take a while - they're currently background knitting for me to take along and knit in lectures and while I'm waiting for people - but if you'd like them... give me a prod, yes? x
Ohmigosh! Seriously?! I was waiting for you to open an Etsy shop so I could purchase such a choice or perhaps request one! Here is the best way to contact me, I would very much like to talk details and would willingly offer some kind of monetary recompense...!
ReplyDeleteP.S. This comment made my day. Thank you. /biggrin
knitting socks. I should have thought about that. now I have my new way to get girls. knitting! alas, I'm already married, so it's too little too late. it is an amazing way to share good feelings tho.
ReplyDeleteas far as your blog post, I don't disagree with it, but I think it can be used to evil, if you pardon the dramatic expression. I know people that constantly won't make a decision, to the point where it's a very large fault. the indefinite becomes a way of life, and when it's 100% of your life, you are forced to draw away from society, and that becomes more and more definite and permanent.
Going with the flow is amazing, being flexible is awesome. just don't be SO flexible noone or nothing can get a hold of you long enough to talk to you or to let reality in. get it, or am I more confusing?
Did you hear that Belle de Jour revealed her identity - does anyone ever stay completely annonymous?
ReplyDelete@Dickie: You should try reading my mind...
ReplyDelete@Jenny: Thanks :)
@Andy: You make an interesting point indeed. Avoiding ever making a concrete decision can mean you end up going nowhere at all, there's always the idea that "only dead fish go with the flow" that can also be appropriate in some cases.
@Southern Heart: I can't see how it is possible to stay completely anonymous unless you don't put any of yourself into your blog at all, in which case, what's the point in a) having a blog or b) being anonymous? Bit of a catch-22 situation. I tend to stray from anonymoity when I am unexpectly offered thoughtful hand-made creations like princess pictures, mix tape CDs or knitted socks, so there's a tip if you ever wish to get to know me better - make me something special that I couldn't possibly refuse to receive ;)
WAY! *special* :D
ReplyDelete